-
(Cue Dramatic music)
-
Voiceover:
(very serious and dramatic)
In a world of remakes and sequels, in a land of no new ideas,
comes a vision so compelling and disturbing, you will find
it unforgettable. Now, two of the greatest minds in American
cinema team forces. Director of Eraserhead David Lynch and
Annie Hall's Woody Allen bring you: TWIN FREAKS.
(Music: Dixieland
band, swing, like in movie SLEEPER (can rent))
Voiceover:
(more upbeat)
Woody Allen IS Dickson Tyconderoga, an aging New York true
crime writer thrust into a world of surreal intrigue and
dark angst while researching his latest novel. He is led
through the twisted labyrinthe of a bizarre nightmare world
where he is forced to confront his own deepest fears.
(No music)
(SFX: sobbing in
background and sound of electrical discharge like bad neon
light, this continues for a few seconds, the sound of footsteps
echoing as they shuffle against a stone floor)
Deep-voiced
Woman
(desperately, seriously and dementedly):
Make love to me. I want to feel your... DEATH deep inside
of me. Give me your deeeath. Give me your deeeath!
Woody Allen
Actually, that's okay, I just wanted an iced cappucino,
if you don't mind.... (sighs disgustedly)
(SFX: Sound of
button being pushed noisily and Buckwheat going 'eeehhhheeeehhh'
over small speaker)
Woody Allen:
And what's with the TAPE all the time? I mean, jesus, you've
got the circus clown with no legs holding a stuffed ferret,
you've got the deformed placenta-eating midget talking backwards
in the corner over there, you've you've... and every few
seconds you play this TAPE of some demented person moaning
or babbling or... Really honey, you know (clears throat
slightly) I think you REALLY need to get some hobbies going.
(Halfway through
this the woman starts to keen insanely like she's in pain...
then: SFX: Sound of button being pushed and other woman
going 'eeehhhheeeehhh')
Woody:
Oh God... (taking off glasses and rubbing face) The Starbucks
in Greenwich Village are REALLY going downhill.
(Cue Dixieland
band music again)
Voiceover:
Yes, Twin Freaks, sporting an all star cast: Oscar-winner
Edward Norton, Willem DaFoe, Jeff Goldblum, Charlyn Fenn,
Alan Alda, Kirstie Alley, Kyle MacLachlan, Louise Lasser
and Christopher Walken Jr.
(SFX: Intermittent
electrical charge, clock ticking, loud constant dripping
and flies buzzing)
(voices are echoed
slightly)
-
Woody:
You
know, I don't know, I feel if I don't STOP this. If I don't
stop whining and self-obsessing and neurotically wringing
my hands, I really think that God is really really going
to let me have it. He's really going to give me just just
some kind of horrible misfortune or disease, some kind of
multiple sclerosis, or possibly inoperable bone cancer,
you know, I could get into a car crash and lose all four
of my limbs, SOMETHING BAD is going to happen to me, and
I would deserve it, I would totally deserve it all of it.
Basically he's saying to me, you know, stop crying or I'll
give you something to cry about. You know?
-
-
Christopher
Walken Jr.:
You know... it's crazy... my father... he died in a car
crash. Blood everywhere. I remember the sound of the breaking
glass, the smell of the gasoline, his eyelid jerking in
the blue streetlight. It was totally... insane.
Woody:
Look I'm not interested in your problems okay? I have a
one armed man chasing me, I've got a literary agent that
wants to pay me with a sheep's head, and my wife just gave
birth to a cow fetus without any skin on it!
(SFX: Screaming
in background)
Christopher
Walken Jr.:
Can I offer you some... pudding?
(SFX: sound of
bowl being slid over table, same screaming in background
again)
Woody:
Pudding? Pudding?? What am I TWELVE? You know I think...
I think we have to talk about this because (clears throat
slightly) I hate to break it to you but you are definitely
NOT working out as my analyst.
(Music: Twin Peaks
theme)
Voiceover:
"Bizarre, insane, groutesque, and hopelessly neurotic" raves
the Village Voice.
"Not since Lynch's
early funny work has a film been so disturbing" trumpets
the New York Times
"Woody has never
been better. Never before has a flayed sheep's head buzzing
with blowflys been so funny!" howls Rex Reed.
TWIN FREAKS also
stars Nicholas Cage, Crispin Glover, Bob Balaban, Robert
Blake, John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Anjelica Huston, Dennis
Hopper, Bill Pullman, Anne Heche and Tony Roberts.
(SFX: City street
ambience)
Woody:
So your saying the murderer actually had his entire blood
supply replaced with Sanka?
Tony Roberts:
That's right max.
Woody:
Jesus, I... was he...
(SFX: Small Explosion).
Woody Allen:
(scared) What was that?
Tony Roberts:
(same deadpan)
That was my left hand exploding Max.
Woody Allen:
(incredulous) Exploding??
Tony Roberts:
Yes, Max. Spontaneously exploding into a gory fountain of...
mangled flesh and... bone fragment... (beat) Where do you
want to go for lunch?
Phineas Narco 2005
