PNN

The Paranoid News Network

Announcer (Al (brightly!): And now this evening's newscast from the Paranoid News Network.

Theme: (drums from Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Deep voice (Ronald, voice pitch shifted downward): This... is PNN

SFX:Sound of teletype in background for Daniel.

Daniel (Ronald, announcer voice): Welcome to PNN. Good evening. I'm Daniel Sverdslow, and NOT a genetically engineered alien hybrid of Daniel Sverdslow. (beat)

In Las Vegas today nationally beloved comedian Bill Cosby performed in front of a sell out crowd under the influence of major hallucinogens, having been dosed beforehand, allegedly by down and out comedian Ronald Redball. We have footage now, of the performance and what happened at the peak of the drug's effects.

Cosby: Now! What was I sayin'... heh heh heh (starts laughing more and more crowd starts laughing with him) I was saying that the pudding people are putting pudding putting on the child's face YOU SEE you have pudding on your face NOW that's brain damage the child would like a COOKIE for the pudding people OH MY GOODNESS I'm remembering a time when I'm going DOWN the tube and a giant egg YOU SEE with Camille's face it was split NOW Youououououou!... I don't know... (crowd starts to react as if something's wrong) (long pause, sounds of restless concerned crowd) there's a cricket (crowd collectively gasps)... I said to the child if you want pudding you will have to make the walls stop breathing my face is melting into a puddle of pudding piddle A POODLE is eating my face I ALWAYS WANTED TO GET SOME CALF'S BRAINS! you see NOW that's brain DAMAGE you see it's time for the new decade to begin I am seeing visions of the second coming the colors oh god the colors I said to the child (Auld Lang Syne is played while chaos erupts Cosby is onstage yelling:) PUDDING! PUDDING! PUDDING!

Daniel: Cosby could not be reached for comment, as he's apparently convinced that he is an orange.

In other news NRA spokesman Charleton HESTON spoke out today at a national press conference with press secretary James Hurnsglamn to quell concerns that the United States government might be on the verge of converting most of the U.S. Populace into food.

SFX: small crowd, sound of cameras, slight reverb

Heston (Phineas, impersonating): There is no truth to the rumor that the United States Government is about to start converting the populace into food as in my movie 'Soylent Green'. There is also no truth to the rumor that we are denying the rumor as part of a massive propaganda campaign to quell such rumors.

(SFX: Moving of microphone, slight reverb)

Official (Ronald nerdy, nasal voice, fairly quick pace): I should point out that there further is no truth to the aaaah rumor that those rumors are actually being spread by the aaaaah government as a rumor smokescreen to cover-up the *alleged* aaaaah fact that the far more prevalent aforementioned rumors are in fact true. We do not know how these rumors got started although we suspect that members of the news organization PN--

Daniel: That was basically all the official had to say. (beat)

Daniel Good evening. I'm Daniel Sverdslow filling in for anchorman Daniel Sverdslow (confused pause) who disappeared earlier this month. (beat) At the TOP of the news: Is President Bush an alien? President Bush says no, but then... he might be an alien. We go to correspondent Dick Stevens in Washington.

SFX: Ambient rainforest CD with loud chirps taken out

Dick: (Phineas, whispering) Daniel, I am speaking to you from the steps of the Capitol. I am looking at a small group of men a few feet away. I don't know if they are CIA operatives or FBI plants, they seem to be professionals of some kind. They have a large semi-cylindrical microphone up to my mouth and one of them has what looks to be recording equipment and another has some sort of transmitting device that is presumably sending each and every word I say to an unknown location. I do not know what they intend to do with this material, presumably it will be analyzed, possibly with sophisticated voice stress analysis equipment the likes of which have not been disclosed to the public at this time. Several of them may be dosing me as I speak with all manner of truth drugs perhaps in the form of an odorless, tasteless gas emitted from the odd ball point pen or wristwatch that has been cleverly disguised by factions of the government that have been keeping extensive files on me for some time.... Daniel?

Daniel: Thanks Dick for that report. We go now to Miles Gurnblatt with a report on Highway 18....

(SFX: Sounds of traffic passing by)

Miles: Daniel, I am standing here at the side of highway 18. We did not actually, uh, have as many fatalities as we once thought. We initially reported 200 dead. Then that was modified to 3 people dead. In fact, there are, uh, we are getting reports now that there are no fatalities, that's right, no fatalities and no injuries, if we are to believe that . The freeway collapse, which mysteriously became a retaining wall collapse has now been called by CalTrans spin doctors a 'pothole'. Or, if you will, a growing deathtrap of doom. We have Dirk Tackhammer here who agreed to speak to us under the condition of anonymity. Dirk, how big is the hideous pothole?

Dirk: A couple inches. It's really not even a pothole it's just a small hole in the road surface. You could fit maybe two, three fingers into it.

Miles: And uh, are these, is this a DANGEROUS pothole that may suck up large children or houses as it extends its deadly reach until all life as we know it is a dead, meaty rotting stew of death and decay in the belly of what we now realize is a genetically designed road-eating monster escaped from government labs?

Dirk: I... uh, NO, it's just a little hole in the road. People don't even notice it as they pass over it. There are a lot of these around. They are normal wear and tear on the road.

Miles: Wear and tear caused by secret government vehicles carrying certain, uh, things you cannot speak about openly for of maybe not your life but the lives of those you love and cherish most?

Dirt: Uh, no... no... just normal wear and tear.

Miles: (deflate) Has this caused any major... traffic problems, any snarls any traffic accidents in recent memory that involved perhaps large numbers of people burning to death in large fireballs rising majestically into the sky visible for miles around inciting panic in the local populace uh, resulting in rioting and looting that then needed to be quelled by drastic police action?

Dirk: Uh... NO. No.

Miles: And when will the pothole be repaired

Dirk: We plan to cover it up later next month during routine maintenance of the highway that is scheduled then.

Miles: So there will be a cover-up then?

Dirk: Uh Yes

Miles: So there you have it Daniel. Evidence of a major cover-up to take place here on highway 18 later this month.

Dirk: Well, wait a minute...

Miles: This is Miles Gumblatt reporting from highway 18 in the North Bay

I never said...

(SFX: Sound of teletype in background for Daniel.)

We have with us live via the internet all the way from the brazilian rainforest, Professor Stephen J. Hawking whom we are told has made some recent startling advances in grand unified field theory and is quite close to discovering the true nature... of the universe. Professor, good evening.

Hawking: (electronic voice) Hello Daniel how are you this evening?

Daniel: I'm fine, fine. Professor, you have been working for years on 'grand unified field theory'. Keeping in mind the basic limitations of the uncertainty principle, have you come any closer to a theory that does indeed explain all phenomena in the known universe?

(voice synthesizer): Daniel, I really could care less about all that crap, I just want to get some chicks!

Daniel: But professor. Surely your work has yielded some results perhaps expanding on recent advances in string theory that delve into the nature of dark matter and addresses whether we are in an oscillating universe or one that will continue it's relentless expansion until the end of time?

SJH: Daniel, I want to make love to an Asian supermodel.

Daniel: Mmmm, yes, I see. Would you say then that we are the simply the local embodiment of the cosmos grown over time to a state of awareness that is uniquely suited to parsing data ABOUT that cosmos or are questions of the true nature of our existence ultimately unanswerable through strictly empirical means?

SJH: You know, I really like movies that have two chicks doin' it!

Daniel: Thank you, Stephen J. Hawking. Ah, this just in, we are receiving reports now from various field reporters that the U.S. government is involved in a major conspiracy. That's right a major conspiracy against... me. It's against me, Daniel Zgurdsvlow. They apparently don't like the way I dress and believe I have an annoying vocal style. They also are reportedly not crazy about how my eyebrows come together. We have reports that factions of the government have done away with all evidence of this plot and have covered up the destruction of that evidence, so therefore in fact, the complete LACK of evidence for this conspiracy only goes to prove how extensive... and insidious... it IS.

(SFX: Mad scrambling of papers)

This just in... liberal protesters gathered on the Bay Bridge in the San Francisco bay area today to protest LACTOSE Intolerance. They held hands and held a candlelight vigil singing "All we are saying is give cheese a chance". Actor Martin Sheen was on hand and said "People have to be more accepting of milk products, it's just their fear and ignorance that makes them prejudiced." He then laid down in traffic in solidarity with the grassroots movement, where he was promptly run over.

In other news, it is reported that Michael Jackson has begun stapling waffles to his forehead in an effort to legalize tomatoes. In a stunning admission to Barbara Walters' on tonight's 20/20, Jackson reveals that he was traumatized as a child when his abusive father played the "I got your nose game" with him. Jackson is planning to have yet another child that he will nickname 'Cereal Bowl'.

In Washington today... President Bush reacted to the imminent lack of Security Council votes okaying another war with Iraq by choking on yet another pretzel. Secret servicemen snapped into action, grabbed the pretzel and wrestled it to the ground. At last report, the pretzel was headed for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where it will be held without trial indefinitely and have the salt beaten off of it. Protesters held a candlelight vigil for the pretzel where Martin Sheen was reportedly run over by a Hyundai.

This just in... there is NO FUTURE.More news in a moment.... (pause)

We go now to my wife Barbara who is live with us via telephone.

Barbara: Hello.

Daniel: Hello how is my little lammykins?

Barbara: I'm fine, Daniel, when are you going to start taking your medication again?

Daniel: My wife Barbara. And now I believe we have coming in, footage of beloved entertainer Charro performing a 'happy little dance'. Let's take a look at that footage now.

(2 seconds Mexican Hat Dance music)

Chilling.... Dave?

Dave (Steve, away from microphone): What? What?

Daniel: I'm sorry. (tearfully) I... I just feel very naked and exposed suddenly. Like... it's like I'm a tiny ant crawling across the floor of a vast, cold, and indifferent universe waiting... waiting to be stepped on by someone who doesn't even know I exist. (Heavy sigh, stifles sob, pause, just sound of teletype) (brightening) In other news... (heavily distant, serious) in other news... in other news... there is no other news.... there's no other news... there is no other news... (reverb)

SFX: crossfade from teletype to Throbbing Gristle's 'Journey Through a Body' with possible long beeeeeeeeep at end) Announcer

(Al (brightly!): And now this evening's newscast from the Paranoid News NetworkTheme: (drums from Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Deep voice (Ronald, voice pitch shifted downward): This...is PNN

SFX:Sound of teletype in background for Daniel.

Cynical News '03

CAMPY 'WIZARD OF OZ' RAMPAGE FOILED AT LAST MINUTE

UPI Photo: Bruce Matthias (far left) was the black-clad alleged ringleader of the 'Lollipop Guild' stopped moments before their 'WOZ Campage'

TOPEKA, KANSAS - Four teenagers with a fixation on the perennial classic film 'The Wizard of Oz' have been arrested with an arsenal of props, that police say they were about to use to 'dazzle and delight' "as many people as possible."

Police have revealed they were captured wearing an all black wicked witch costume, a 'tin man' costume and even a pink fairie costume like their heroes in the 1939 MGM musical which has delighted generations. A motorist they tried to hijack said: "These guys were ready to make spectacles of themselves."

The four, reportedly members of the Lehigh Drama Club, aged 18, 15 and 14 and 16, had been planning to carry out multiple musical numbers including 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' and 'We're Off to See the Wizard' in and around the midtown area since early this year, according to Topeka police chief David T. Royce.

Bruce Matthias, 18, was among those arrested. The others were not named. Police say. Matthias imagined an almost supernatural aura around himself, sometimes referring to himself as "The Wicked Witch... of the West".

Police say the 'Lollipop Guild', as they have come to be known, were planning to randomly perform and 'camp it up' in the streets, but that the plot was uncovered as the they set out armed with oil cans, broomsticks, picnic baskets, wands, and whatnot.

Topeka police chief Royce said the four were about to start the non-Halloween scheduled displays on the day Buddy Ebsen died. Ebsen, as any fan, or fanatic, of the film knows, was orginally slated to play 'The Tin Man' before a reaction with the greasepaint necessary to play the role landed the part in the lap of Jack Haley. Police discovered in a plan known as 'Helter Dorothy' the group wanted to ignite a 'camp war' with a similar group across town that apparently likes the movie 'Sunset Boulevard'.

"Yeah they kind of had that 'OZ' thing going on," Dickie Steemans, 16, of Topeka said of the suspects. "They would wear black witches costumes and silver facepaint and slick their hair back. They would even watch the HBO series OZ even though what that had to do with the movie I don't know. They even were into Australian films! I mean, they were NUTS!"

Royce said, "These individuals were planning on skipping around and singing and dancing with some ho ho ho's and some tee-hee-hee's and a couple of tra-la-la's to as many people as possible in a short time and creating widespread embarassment," he said. All three have been charged with attempted camp, intention to disturb the peace, poor taste, attempted carjacking and weapons offences including carrying a concealed wand.

Matthias, who is accused of waving the business end of a broom (albeit unlit) and saying "how bout a little FIRE scarecrow?" to the officer who arrested him, was also charged with aggravated assault. Prosecutor Vince Santinni said the weapon seized belonged to Matthias' father and was legal.

This was the third such movie-related rampage in recent months since Gone with the Wind fanatics tried to torch Atlanta last Spring.