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Cynical
News 2006:
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London,
August 10th, 2006 - Almost immediately after today's terror arrests,
airports tightened security and added new rules and restrictions.
But how long will the changes last? "As long as the threat remains, the new restrictions will be in place," said an official. That is to say, indefinitely. A pilot ready to fly a jet today was told he had to throw away a $100 bottle of cologne or he couldn't go through security. Police had to be called and he threw away the cologne. The bottle of cologne was wrestled to the ground and detained. A swat team was called in to be on the lookout for more cologne. As more details of the hideous terror plot has emerged, officials have decided to ban not only liquids, but gases and solids as well. "That bottle of cologne could have held flammable liquid and the bottle itself could have been made of explosive material detonated by an mp3 player or a cell phone or perhaps two sticks rubbed together" a source said. Bottles of cologne have since been deemed 'high risk objects' with their potential carriers to be detained indefinitely. Security personnel confiscated and threw out a dumpsters full of liquids. Hair gel, cologne, toothpaste, shaving cream, sports drinks, mouthwash, artificial saliva, sweat and bottled water were confiscated just to name a few items. Officials are also banning gases such as hair spray, carbon dioxide, methane, cigarette smoke, oxygen and beer farts. Solids also on the ban list include: trays, seats, fuselages, semtex, adult magazines, hair, very small rocks, 'mexican monkey chickens' and passengers. In fact, no flights will be allowed anywhere at any time. "We're just going to THINK the flights from now on" an official source said, "as if they DID happen". Sources say we will be seeing a lot more security at the airport -- more officers, more specialty officers along with more bomb and tactical squads, more swat teams, more sheriff's department personnel, state and local police, transit police, police in helicopters, on horseback, in scuba gear with night vision goggles, motion detectors, security cameras, security vans... and the occasional passenger. National guard troops will also be on hand, several of them muttering 'hut, hut, hut', under their breath as they trot about in their narrowed-eyed glancing side to side knees-bent, running about advancing behavior. Sources say local federal authorities have been concerned for over a year about someone mixing chemicals together in an airplane bathroom in order to blow it up. They've warned county police who work the airport to watch for suspicious passengers who might want to board a plane. Sources say once this threat is handled, there will be another and another and another and another and another and another until the end of time. "And, these sources should know, because they're uhm... 'sources'," said an official. An official source vouched that the sources were indeed official and that the official who vouched for the official sources was indeed an official source.
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