1. "Is there a good place in my cubicle where I can keep the Mason jars of urine that will be accumulating?"

2. "Is it okay if I wear panties made out of the flayed human skin of my victims to work? Underneath my clothes, of course"

3. "Is it possible to be paid without actually coming in?"

4. "Is there a number so the voices in my head telling me to 'kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill' can leave me a message?"

5. "Sometimes I lose consciousness and attempt to stab people in the left ear lobe with my pen. Is this a problem?"

6. "I like it that your firm allows dogs. What's your policy on smearing Alpo on my testicles and letting Fido lick away in the lunchroom every other Tuesday?"

7. "Do you have domestic partner coverage for my penguin slave?"

8. "If I only take the ONE eye out of my cubicle-mate after 6 months, can I still get executive privileges?"

9. "What's your policy on meth suppositories? Are they provided in the commissary?"

10. "After I dry the severed penises, is it okay to leave them in the lounge room freezer provided I clear them out by the weekend?"

11. "Is it okay if I start an arts and crafts class in the lunch room that utilizes only dried skin and bodily fluids?"

12. "I enjoy working with meat. Do you have a special room I can use?"

13. "My last boss had a micromanagement style I didn't take to so well. How do I dispose of vomit and earwax and blood should the problem occur again here? Do you have the necessary cleaning utensils?"

14. "I had to leave my last job because my boss accused me of stealing. But he's a lying cocksucker. Will this be held against me?"

15. "What's your policy regarding execution-style mob slayings after, say, 5pm?"

16. "Would it be against the rules if I took expensive equipment home for my own personal permanent use?"

17. "What do I do if these damn homosexuals keep trying to suck my fucking cock, sir?!"

18. "Do you have any problem with my installing a glory hole in the company washroom?"

19. "My last boss accused me of being a murderer. What an idiot, god rest his soul."

20. "Sometimes, around noon, I like to touch my own buttocks very gingerly. Will this cause a problem?"

21. "Sometimes I arrive late in the morning because I spend a lot of time in the shower imagining the warm water cascading over my body is actually the blood of my victims. Is this okay or should I seek asylum in the Ukraine?"

22. "When are you most vunerable? Not in an emotional way, I mean, when are your reflexes really slow? After a lunch? Could you, say, be able to elude a crazed man with a noose and a hunting knife and a huge dangling erection, scrambling over the cubes in some kind of insane death dance of doom?"

23. "I think it's fair to tell you that on my last job I did have some problems with being very distracted by voices in my head that were telling me to scalp my co-workers with my letter opener over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over… until around 4:30. But I think this problem is pretty much under control now thanks to the support of my therapist, my case worker, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my priest, and the seventeen different types of medication that I'm on. Did you say I'll be working Thursdays?"

Phineas Narco 2006
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