The Janor Hypercleats / Phineas Narco interviews took place in the visiting room of Wacaville Prison where Janor had, at that time, been incarcerated for over 30 years.
I met Janor there on April 15th, 1998, 30 years to the exact date the Schtate-"Bob"ianco killings took place.
At that time, Janor and his 'Family' of loyal followers set about to enact Janor's twisted vision of 'Hyper Stupid', which he saw as the uprising of so-called "Subgeniuses" against the "Normals".
To incite this uprising, 'The Family' planned and carried out a sick plan of twisted murder and mayhem.
Among their victims: one Mr. Bobby "Bob"ianco and one Mr. Irving Schtate. Janor had instructed members of his family to kill one "Ivan Stang" but his followers were so stoned on acid, they got the name wrong and wound up at the wrong address.
At first Janor was hard to approach. Obviously paranoid from decades of illicit drug use, he insisted that I take a lower more subservient sitting position in the interview. Eventually even this did not satisfy Janor, and he insisted on conducting the interview while he stood on my face.
When this proved difficult in that it was hard to me to properly enunciate my questions, we compromised, and agreed that he would sit on a tall piano stool and that I would sit at his feet wearing a 'Little Bo Peep' costume.
Phineas: This is ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.
Janor: No, I think it looks good on you. Here tighten this…
Phineas: Really? I feel like a complete idiot.
Janor: Would you stop worrying? It's going to be great. You look great.
Phineas: You think so? You know, I was thinking of getting like a thin little red shash to go around my waist?
Janor: Mmm hmmm....
Phineas: You know I can accessorize…
Janor: Well you've got the staff, you know this little cane thing, I don't know what it's called, here, take this…
Phineas: Yeah I could use this. Do you think the blue brings out my eyes at all?
Janor: Oh, wait, I think they're recording.
Phineas: Oh okay, well, they won't use that part. Alright…. (clears throat). Are we rolling? Okay. So, Janor, how exactly did 'The Family', as it was called back then, start?
Janor: Well it all started when I lived in Venice Beach, Tom. There, I met a 17 year old homeless girl named Summer. She was the first of the Janor Hypercleets 'Family'. When I saw her, I told her, 'I am the God of Fuck!' and I'll never forget it, she said 'Totallyyy'.
Phineas: Fascinating.
Janor: I knew there was this immediate, urgent animal magnetism between us. So I invited her out for a cup of coffee. To this, she said 'Totallllyyyy' again. So then I said. 'But aren't you kind of an airhead who is just vacuously lame and insipid and doesn't have any real ideas or her own and you respond to everything anyone says by saying 'Totally'. So, she stopped for a second and thought about this, and then she said 'Fershure'.
Phineas: Mmmmm.
Janor: I knew then that she was a special person, that she was truly a beautiful spirit, a true being of light and a precious child of God. So, I carved an X in her forehead.
Phineas: Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm. You carved and X in her forehead. And wasn't this the same Summer "Sneaky" Fromme who tried to assasssinate President Nixon with a spatula?
Janor: Uuuuuuuh…. Was that her? Yeah, I think so.
Phineas: Right, and I suppose you didn't have anything to do with it? Is that correct, Janor?
Janor: (intensely) I walk a line. I walk a line. I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I walk a line.
Phineas: I hear a train a comin' it's comin' round the bend.
Janor: And my dad named me Sue. Yes.
Phineas: But seriously, what about PENGUINS Janor? How did PENGUINS figure into your Hyper-Skelter Stupid Dumbass plan for World Domination?
Janor: (looking around guiltily) Uh.... I don't know nothin' bout no penguins, man.
Phineas: C'mon Janor, come down off the space shuttle, who are you trying to fool? The court transcripts well-document the fact that penguins were definitely involved.
Janor: Look I don't want to TALK about the penguins MAN. Look the PENGUINS were talkin' to ME man. They were in my brain. Black and white furry motherf-----rs! OH oh! PENGUINS. I thought you said, 'suitcase'.
Phineas: Janor… exactly how many hits of acid do you estimate you did back in the 1960's?
Janor: Well let me see (counts on fingers) 300, 350, I'd say…. 350 million hits of acid.
Phineas: In just the 1960's alone??
Janor: No, actually that was one weekend at Brian Wilson's house.
Phineas: So, listen, Janor is it true that your followers did everything you told them to?
Janor: No, no, that's absolutely not true. They actually did everything my mother told them to. Except put the toilet seat down, for some reason she couldn't get the guys to do that. I don't know why.
Phineas: But Janor aren't you trying to skirt the issue here?
Janor: Skirt the issue? Hah HAH! HAhahaha! You've been misinformed. What skirt man? The skirts got old on me. You want to know if I'm on top big daddy-O? Oh, sure I killed nine hogs. I piled them up to the sky. I'll kill ALL you motherf-----s I want. Then maybe I can save my wildlife and my trees and my forest and my streams.... I figure about fifty million, if I could get about.... fifty million of 'em, I might be able to save my trees and my air and my water and my wildlife.
Phineas: But, Janor, is that really a viable plan for environmental protection? I mean wouldn't the decomposing bodies just produce more pollution? I don't see how killing enormous numbers of people in some kind of of of of … WHACKY way is going to solve anything!
Janor: Well let me ask you a question.
Phineas: Alright.
Janor: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Phineas: Uuuuuh, that's from Batman, isn't it? Yes Michael Keaton. I think he was the best Batman don't you think? I didn't care for these other guys they got in there. You know, you got your Val Kilmer and that other guy what was his name, fred?
Fred the Cameraman: Uuuuh, I can't remember, Boss.
Phineas: Jerry, do you know who was the Batman who was after Michael Keaton but before Val Kilmer?
Jerry Sound man: Boy, hold on, let me think… it was … boy… beats me.
Phineas: There was four of them wasn't there? Gee, I don't know why we can't think of it, isn't that weird hahahahahahha! Janor do you know---
Janor: You guys are idiots! Morons! Michael Keaton was the FIRST Batman. Val Kilmer was the SECOND and George FUCKING Clooney was the third BATMAN! Do you UNDERSTAND??? FINALLY????!!!!!!!
Phineas: (pause) Well excuuuuuu--
Janor: No! No! You're not doing some cheap Steve Martin line, that is so cheesy! That's it! I'm walking! I'm walking!
(Janor tries to walk away but is hampered by his leg bracelets)
Janor: Okay maybe I'm not walking, maybe I'm just sort of hobbling.
Phineas: Come on Janor, come on down off the space shuttle and sit down….
Janor: (mumbles) ...the space shuttle…
Phineas: Okay now, look, what about the people who's deaths YOU'RE responsible for?? Word is you killed some people.
Janor: Word? Word?? Word is pigs fly in the sky. Word. You don't understand, man, I'm not a murderer. I'm not even a hippie. I'm from the beat generation. I'm into Glen Miller. I wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm into peace and love and acceptance, I'm into compassion, man. I'm into…making the children laugh. That's all I want to do is make…the children… laugh.
Phineas: Oh really Janor? What about this quote you made in a very public statement back in the early 80's. "It is my deepest wish to take the the firstborn child of EVERY normal family on the planet and SKULL F--K IT!"
Janor: Uh, er, ah, that quote is taken out of context.
Phineas: Oh, and what about this quote directly after: "I want to kill all normals without mercy and bathe in their blood and bake bread from their bones and make ivory soap and lampshades out of each and every normal on the planet and when I say this I mean exactly that because I don't ever want to try and say later it was taken out of context or a joke or anything" what about that quote?
Janor: Well you see, uhm, I took a lot of drugs back then…
Phineas: And the quote goes on to say: "… and while I'm saying this I'm not on any drugs or anything I know exactly what I'm saying and I mean it!"
Janor: Hahahaha, well Tom, er, Steve, you know we can sit here all night and play 'who said what to who' and everything and try to remember what stuff MEANT but the fact remains.... I have not killed anybody.
Phineas: And it goes on "…and if later I try to laugh this statement off and claim that I didn't kill anybody then I'm completely full of shit. I want to always stand by this statement and you should hold me to it and not let me weasel out of it under any circumstances".
Janor: Boy, is it getting hot in here or am I crazy?
Phineas: Janor…
Janor: I need to go to the bathroom.
Phineas: No.
Janor: Well then, can I have a catheter?
Phineas: No.
Janor: How about some pudding?
Phineas: NO Janor, now stick to the point.
Janor: Look MAN! The NORMALS HAD to die! You don't understand. We HAD to kill the NORMALS. I said to them, "man make it all spooky with all sort of creepy crawlies" and they, you know, they didn't know what the F--K I was talkin' about cuz they were on ACID MAN! So I had to sort of.... act it out for them.
Phineas: You.... sick.... bastard.
Janor: Yeah, well I do what I do okay, you don't have to like it? (feeling pockets) Hey man, do you have another cigarette? I'm all out.
Phineas: Oh.... sure. (Hands Janor cigarette)
Janor: Do you have a light?
Phineas: (rolls eyes) What.... do you want me to smoke it for you too? (Hands Janor a light)
Janor: (very sarcastically) Oh.... that's a good one, 'ha ha ha haaarrrrr', I hadn't heard that one 'har har har'.
Phineas: Very good. Now then, all these people are dead and yet you STILL claim you didn't kill anybody. Is that right?.
Janor: Man I'll tell you what. Maybe it was bad up at that house. But thank God I didn't get started on it. Thank god your children did it for you and I didn't get started on it cuz it would have been ten times worse. Because I am ten times WORSE… especially when I, you know, get a couple of beers in me.
Phineas: Janor, isn't it true that there was satanic backward masking on your album 'A Lewd Spectacle of Wanton Depravity'?
Janor: No. That's absolutely NOT true. We used a technique called FORWARD masking. All satanic messages were actually quite clear and intelligible when played normally.
Phineas: Janor, you've been likened to Joseph Mengele on ecstasy, you've been compared to Jerry Lewis if he were in fact funny, your shows have been called The Nuremberg Rallies.... with rimshots… my question, to you, Janor, the only question I'm prepared to ask you here today is…. What are you? What…ARE you?
Janor: (takes drag off cigarette, very seriously) I'm an entertainer, Tom. I entertain people, that's... what I do.
Phineas: And you didn't have anything to do with killing 26 people by replacing the air conditioning coolant in their Lexuses with cyanide gas?
Janor: HELL no.
Phineas: And you didn't have anything to do with "Sneaky" Fromme's attempt to assassinate President Ford with some throw pillows?
Janor: HELL no.
Phineas: And you didn't have anything to do with cutting Stang's BUTT off?
Janor: HELL… yes.
Phineas: Oh, so you DID cut Stang's butt off???
Janor: Well.... see.... for many many years I did what Stang told me to do. He would tell me to do and I'd do it. So one day I said, 'hey wait a minute, you do what I say'. And he said 'no'. And I said, 'listen man, YOU do what I say'. And he said no. And I said, HEY MAN! I'M NOT ASKING YOU! I'M TELLING YOU! YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY!! and he said no. And I said, "Come on, man, don't be a dick. Look, I'll give you twenty bucks." And he said okay.
Phineas: Mmmm hmmm.
Janor: And then I cut his butt off.
Phineas: (goading) Ah... so... I see, what did it feel like to cut his butt off?
Janor: What did it feel like?? (nervous)
Phineas: Yeah to cut Stang's butt off, come on. Isn't the truth fun now?
Janor: The truth? ...heh... (looking around)
Phineas: Yeah. Come on. What was it like to cut Stang's butt off, Janor?
Janor: Well… it was kind of… I don't know… warm and squishy.
Phineas: (pause) Oh dude, that is SO gross.
Janor: Well, you ASKED ME!
Phineas: I know, but jesus…
Janor: You ASKED ME, dude…
Phineas: I know but geez… okay…
(At this point we had to stop the interview as Janor did his interpretive dance impression of Richard Nixon if he were a gay mime with a herniated septum performing with a warm plate of spaghetti in New York City Central Park. This continued for approximately 30 minutes).
Phineas: Okay, so, that was interesting.
Janor: Thank you. It's a little piece I call 'Children at Play'.
Phineas: That is deep. That is deep. Alright then, about these murders….
Janor: (Sigh)
Phineas: You stuck a tuning fork and a guitar pick into the head of one of your victims. Other victims were disemboweled and had their entrails hung over the giant tote board at the New York Stock exchange spelling out 'Have a Nice Day'. Other victims were decapitated with a golf club and then had their heads placed on metal spikes with their eyes gouged out with grapefruit spoons…. And yet, your fans have stated that they prefer your early funny stuff.... What is your response to that?
Janor: Look, Tom, I'm an artist. Okay? I just create the art, I don't explain it. If I could express it in an interview I wouldn't have to express it by, by, by taking the skulls of dozens of Normals and writing 'Shit Happens' with them.
Phineas: Fair enough. But is it true that you actually received a NEA grant to do all these murders?
Janor: No comment.
And so, perhaps in this installment of the Janor/Narco interviews we've learned a little bit more about the man behind the corruption. Or is it the corrupt man who is a spectacle…uh, perhaps it's the nine-headed Castnor headed nine inch worm shaped like a 7-11 who…. (ahem)
Who IS this man, Janor Hypercleats? What does he want? Where does he come from? And more importantly, why doesn't he go back there?
And more imporantly than that, WHAT is Janor Hypercleets?
That, I leave to you to answer in the next installment of the Janor/Narco interviews.
This site hosted by Sensory Research Network