Janor: I'd like to introduce the man who's helped me the most, ladies and gentlemen, my psychologist, Dr. Growthfulness Affirmation. (Janor hugs Dr. Affirmation) You know, doc, I'm so glad to have you on, you've really helped me straighten my life out.
Dr. Affirmation: Well, you know, Janor, there's some things I wanted to talk to you about. You know you're 6 months behind on your bill.
Janor: Well, that's why I'm having this tour, Doc, is to make some money so I can pay my bills. But, you know, Doc, you've straightened me out for the most part, but I still have this problem. I have this phobia about bills. I keep getting bills, insurance bills, car payments, utility bills, especially doctor bills. It seems like these benevolent healers are somehow the most cutthroat capitalists of all! I've developed a real phobia. Even my phobias have phobias. Do you think you could help me with this,
Doctor?
Dr.: Yes, I think I can probably help you with that for $60 per 15 minutes, payable at the time of service rendered, so you won't have to worry about the bill.
Janor: Gee, that sounds great, Doc., but how am I going to deal with the new phobia I get from your fee?
Dr.: Well, I have a special therapy group for that. However it costs a little bit more.
Janor: Well, I also had this problem with developing multiple personalities.
Dr.: Well, I'm going to have to charge you a full fee for each personality.
Janor: Couldn't I get a group therapy rate for one person? It would really help my healing process if I wasn't broke all the
time!
Dr.: I hear that, but no.
Janor: You know Doc, it hurts ever time I think about my childhood.
Dr.: Then don't think about your childhood. Have you ever had this before?
Janor: Yes, I have!
Dr.: Well, guess what, you've got it again.
Janor: But Doc, I'm not schizophrenic. None of us are. But you know Dr. Affirmation, I've been having this problem with delusions of granduer.
Dr.: Well, you know Janor, in your case it's more like delusions of adequacy.
Janor: What about my apartment complex?
Dr.: Well, raise your tenants' rent, and it could help you pay my bill. You see, I nurture your Inner Child, and you nurture my pocketbook. It's a very growthful process, for my bank account.
Janor: But Doc, my Inner Child is broke, he's not even legally employable until he's 18 anyway.
Dr.: Well, you know, Janor, we've done a lot of work on your inner child, your inner rebellious adolescent, your inner adult, and your inner 70-year-old codger in a wheelchair. I think you're making a lot of progress.
Janor: Yeah, but what about the ordinary normal me?
Dr.: It's hopeless.
Janor: You know, Dr. Affirmation, I'm very nervous in social situations.
Dr.: Well, just try to relax and be yourself.
Janor: I've tried that. I'm myself and people just don't like me.
Dr.: You see, the problem is very simple, Janor. Everyone has an Inner Child, this untainted part of themselves that hasn't been influenced negatively by the hypocrisy of society. We just have to reach in and find this "Love Child." You know, the really neat thing is that everyone has this Inner "Love Child" with them. Everyone except for you. You're vile and despicable to the core.
Janor: Well, I've worked hard to achieve that. But what should I do in these social situations?
Dr.: Well, you're an actor, right?
Janor: That's debatable.
Dr.: Try being anyone but yourself.
Janor: Well, I feel like I’m getting better, Dr. Affirmation. But, I'm still having this problem with my bills. I mean it would really
help me out if you wouldn't repossess my car. That way I'd be able to keep my job and eventually I'd be able to pay you. What do you think?
Dr.: I hear that, but no.
Janor: Well, I don't think my problems are that bad, I think I'm as sane as Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer put together.
Dr.: You know, I think you're right, I think necrophilia and cannibalism can be valid, alternative forms of sexuality, as long as both parties are consenting and over eighteen.
Janor: How can you tell if a corpse is consenting?
Dr.: Well, I guess if it doesn't put up any resistance, you'd have to assume it's consenting, although I don't think a corpse should pet on the first date or go all the way until after marriage.
Janor: Yes, I read Ann Lander's "Dating Do's + Don't For Teen Corpses". What about cannibalism?
Dr.: Only if the person has developed a mature, committed relationship with the corpse and it's been properly seasoned and cooked.
Janor: Well, you know a lot of the women I asked out thought I was only interested in their bodies. I guess with Jeffrey this really was the case. Well, you know, Dahmer can have my girlfriend. She acts like she's dead. But Doc, what if the corpse is under 18?
Dr.: Now, that's sick. Premature sexual experience could psychologically cripple a person and prevent them from developing growthfully. But, you know, Janor, I think I know what the problem is. You've got a persecution complex. You're paranoid.
Janor: I don't have a persecution complex. People really are out to get me. Sometimes doctor, I think I'm suicidal.
Dr.: Well, from now on, you're going to have to pay me in advance.
Janor: Sometimes I feel like the fact that I could commit suicide is the only thing that's keeping me living!
Doc: You know, Janor, I think what we're dealing with here is a case of arrested development.
Janor: What have I been arrested for?
Dr.: Raping the minds of your audience.
Janor: But, Doc., what do you think the root of my problem is?
Dr.: Well, you know, after negating your inner child and affirming your outer adult, investigating your outhouse training, your vaginal envy, your Oedipal complex, which in your case was a desire to seduce your father and kill your mother and your great aunt, the relationship between your id and your super ego, and you do have a SUPER ego, I think I've come to a definite conclusion.
Janor: Could you put that in layman's terms, Dr.?
Dr.: You're just not playing with a full deck. You don't have both oars in the water, you're a brick shy of a full load. Are you still having a problem with indecisiveness?
Janor: Well, I'm not sure. I wish I could help you.
Dr.: You're too apologetic.
Janor: I'm sorry.
Doctor: You're also a worrier.
Janor: I know, that's what bothers me. But is there anything that can help me?
Dr.: Well, you know, we started you on that 12-step program.
Janor: I know, the first 12 steps really helped me, but I sort of turned it into a 13-step program. I was really making progress with the first 12 steps, but the 13th led back into being Janor. Dr.: Well, there are some books you might try reading. They might be helpful to you. Books such as: "Massaging Your Universality", and "Affirming Your Yes".
Janor: But, Dr. Affirmation, don't you see that positive thinking can kill you? I'm Janor, I need some kind of reverse psychology. Are there any other books you could recommend?
Dr.: Well, yes, there are several that you might find helpful, such as "You CAN Run Away From It All", "Seven Steps To Failure", "You Can't Get There From Here", "I'm Pogoing As Fast As I Can", "Games People Lose", and the classic, "I'm Okay, And For $60 Per 15 Minutes I'll Lie and Tell You That You're Okay and That I Care"
Janor: You don't think I'm okay?
Dr.: Yeah, you're okay, but that's about all you are.
Janor: Well, are there any other books that can help me, Doctor Affirmation?
Dr.: Did you read that book on assertiveness I gave you?
Janor: Yes, I read, "Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No."
Dr.: How did that work out?
Janor: Well, fine, except Bobby Free and 5 of his big redneck friends came up and they all had guns and knives. But, I did just what the book told me, just don't take any shit from anyone, stand up for yourself. I just got out of the hospital this week. I can't figure which is worse: low self-esteem or multiple gunshot wounds. It puzzles me, but something went wrong and I just can't figure what. Are there any other books that could help me?
Dr.: Yes, I just ran across a book the other day, that might just pinpoint your problem.
Janor (brightens up): Really, what's it called, Dr. Affirmation?
Dr.: It's called "Recognizing Fetal Alcohol Syndrome."
Janor: Really, is there any cure for this condition?
Dr.: No, but at least now you have a label for what you are and you don't just have to think of yourself as a dipshit.
Janor: Well, did I have it or did my mother?
Dr.: Both, it runs in families.
Janor: Well, where can I turn, when my last 3 therapists committed suicide? Don't you understand? I am the mad! I'm more powerful than any psychologist! I mean I'm not saying I'm insane, but I once found a book on abnormal psychology and mistook it for my diary. Let history there therefore decide if I am a genius or a madman!
Dr.: What I hear you saying is that your mind is totally fucked-up. Well, look, Janor, I'll contact you later. After talking to you I need to see my own therapist, and he'll have to see his therapist and so on and so forth and we'll all have to charge you for it since you're the origin of all our problems.
Janor: Well, couldn't I get a group therapy rate for all my therapists? It would help me out financially and I could get well sooner, if I wasn't paying all these therapists!
Dr.: I respect that, but no.
Janor: But you can't leave me now, Doctor, I need you, I need help! You don't understand, I have every form of mental illness that there is and some that haven't been discovered yet! They haven't come up with a cure for the common cold, and they haven't come up with a cure for "Janor", either! I hear voices in my head, but I'm not as lucky as other schizophrenics! I don't hear demonic voices urging me to kill or hurt myself, I hear the voices of early morning Top 40 disc jockeys who think they're funny! I hear Huey Lewis and the News songs going off in my head and I can't get them to stop! Sometimes I see hallucinations, but other times it's worse, the hallucinations go away and I have to look at the real world! I would call 911, but I don't have a dime! I got kicked out of the soup kitchen for not being dressed properly. The Salvation Army won't take me because I took their towels! I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but other times I think it's a train coming from the other direction! I'm not only playing with a full deck, but I fell like the cards are marked! Everytime they rip the corners off, they're ripping a corner of my mind! I'm playing "Go Fish" and everyone else is playing stud poker! (Woody Woodpecker laugh) All I ever feel are feelings of despair, suicide, and hopelessness, and that's on a good day! Can you help me? Please, someone help me? Someone help me!
Dr.: (pause) Go with that thought.
Janor: (Pause, sarcastically) Yeah, thanks a lot.
Dr.: Actually, Janor, I don't think your problems are that bad. In fact, we're thinking about using you as a subject for a chapter in a textbook on psychology.
Janor: Really?
Dr.: Yes, it's called, "Don't Let This Happen To You".
Janor: Wow, I feel so much better after talking to you Dr. Affirmation
Dr.: Well, you'll get my bill in the morning. (Hugs Janor)
Janor: Dr. Growthfulness Affirmation, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't he a warm, nurturing human being? (Pause) (Angry) If you want a picture of the future, imagine a crystal smashing a human face forever! Let's face it, the only thing the "New Age" means is that now when someone sticks their dick up your butt, they've got a condescending smile on their face!
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