| 1.
Isolate yourself. Pull down the shades and don't let any
light in. Don't answer the phone. Take off all your clothes and
just stay inside and don't talk to anyone. Lay on the floor of
your closet and weep softly. Don't shave for 3 days, then stare
in the mirror at your own bloated, pasty, bleary-eyed expression.
2. Fixate on negative
things. Television is a good source for this. Watch TV news
programs all the time. Tape the most disturbing ones and watch
them again and again. Fixate on 'mistakes' you've made in the
past, or painful childhood memories. Cultivate a sense of self-hatred.
Start a collection of pornographic images and look at them obsessively.
Feel guilty for doing this.
-
- 3. Cultivate
a sense of meaninglessness. Take up wall-staring as a
hobby. Take a bath and then spend an hour or two staring at
the bathtub drain as you listen to the sound of our own breathing.
Pound your head rhythmically against the cold white refrigerator
door as you moan plaintively. Lay in bed in a fetal position
and rock back and forth. Watch 'Pink Floyd--The Wall'
obsessively or listen to some NIN's 'The Downward Spiral'.
-
- 4. Alienate
others. Ask questions but don't listen to the answers.
Become absorbed in your own inner little world. Act rude and
insensitively and then blame the consequences on other people
or better yet, take it as evidence of your own lack of worth.
Randomly cross clearly drawn personal boundaries, then beat
yourself up for doing so. Lose your temper unpredictably or
weep uncontrollably in order to manipulate others. Hate yourself
for doing this.
-
- 5. Sleep all
the time. Get a good 20 hours a day of sleep. This way
you won't have to deal with a painful life and only have to
deal with the world of dreams and fantasies. Remember, your
bed is your friend and will always sustain and comfort you
unlike the cruel outside world.
-
- 6. Avoid all
physical activity. Again, staying in bed is good for this.
Try to stay on your back at all times. Lying on the floor
is acceptable too. Get a good fetal position going. Whine
pathetically to yourself. Watch more violent television programming.
Keep the TV remote control by the bed at all times so you
won't have to get up and look for it.
-
- 7. Eat
poorly. In a 24 hour period eat a half spoonful of peanut
butter, some jelly, and some water. Spend the rest of the
time sleeping. Eat all your meals at fast food places, ordering
the unhealthiest thing on the menu. Eat hot dogs from 7-11
for all your meals. Avoid salads. Drink as little water as
possible, it will only cause you to have to get out of bed
to urinate.
-
- 8. Whenever
possible, cultivate a sense of fear in your life. Be sure
to obsessively imagine the most violent and disturbing outcome
to any situation. Routinely imagine escape routes in case
an armed maniac starts shooting at you. Freak yourself out!
Contact all your friends and tell them you are freaking out
then feel guilty and unworthy of the attention they give you.
Be hard on yourself! And encourage others to be hard as well.
-
- 9. Think about
death a lot. Rent 'Faces of Death' videos. Browse
rotten.com. Watch more violent television programming. Try
to look at life as a violent and painful experience at the
end of which is just a meaningless and probably excruciating
death. Talk about suicide and disturbing things in order to
alienate others (see #4).
-
- 10. Always
pick the hardest way to do something. Set yourself up
for failure. If it looks like you are going to actually succeed
at something, be sure to somehow sabotage your own efforts
and change course or stop at the last minute. Use your failure
as further proof to yourself that you are a worthless loser.
Repeat the words "I'm so stupid" to yourself over
and over and over.
-
- 11. Lose all
sense of personal hygiene. Don't bathe until a grey cheeselike
substance forms on your skin. Shave once a week, and then
without using shaving cream or aftershave. Throw your deodorant
away. Remember, if you make yourself physically attractive
it will only attract people who will then see what a horrible
person you are. Use other people's avoidance of you as evidence
of your own worthlessness.
-
- 12. Concentrate
on your faults. Look in the mirror closely. Focus on every
bump, zit, wrinkle, or nick you have on your face. Look at
how skinny you are, or how fat. If something is less than
perfect be sure to focus all your attention on it and think
about it constantly. Think obsessively about every stupid
thing you do or have ever done. Enlist the help of others
and then feel unworthy of it. Drive yourself into a nervous
breakdown.
-
- 13. Quit your
job, stay home and jack off. Masturbate obsessively and
feel guilty for doing so. Be sure to think all manner disturbing
thoughts and then use this as proof that you are worthless
and deranged. Stop taking any care of your personal surroundings.
Spend plenty of time in your messy and slovenly environment.
Remember always, You Are A Bad Person. Bad bad bad bad bad!
------
Hear
are some testimonials from people who have used my plan for personal
pain and misery.
"I
have tried your 13 step program and have found much success with
it.
Previous to your program, I was a smiley faced, well balanced,
enlightened, self actualized individual. Now I look more like
that guy in Edward Munch's "The Scream"
-=-Steve Sprunt: Shreveport, Louisiana
"Oh
God, just let me die. Please. God. I just want to die. Please"
-=-Judy Stenslow: Farland, New Jersey
"THANKS!
I was slipping, but with your handy guidelines I should be able
to stay more miserable, longer! Your step-by-step guide has helped
me lose all my friends and self esteem. Utter darkness, here I
come!"
-=-Beverly Trake: Portland, Oregon
"Why?
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"
-=-David Steinblatt, San Jose, California
(Hysterical
sobbing)
-=-Warren Serbia: Tobokan, Arkansas |
