CRUISE RE-EMPHASIZES:
*NOT* GAY

LONDON - Following quickly on the heels of what some may call irrational behavior on the Oprah Winfrey Show (pictured left) and despite no claims to the contrary, Tom Cruise, a 'HETERO-sexual celebrity', released a statement Monday that he is 'not gay'.

"I will never be down with love. Ever. I'm the guy who loves relationships. Heterosexual relationships. I love women, and women with vaginas," the 43-year-old, star who has never had sex with a man, was quoted as saying in Tuesday's edition of the Daily Mirror tabloid.

"I'm the guy who's going to get married again. To a woman. I'm not going to give up on that. I really love that kind of friendship and intimacy and of course, poon," said Cruise, who split from his girlfriend, the actress Penelope Cruz, in March of 2004.

"Make no mistake about it. I am in love. LOVE I SAY!! With...a female... WOMAN... and we are in love... heterosexually"

Cruise then pointed out that he chose a female, rather than a male as his mate.

Cruise's first two marriages, which were both to women, namely, actresses Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman, ended in divorce. Cruise's long-standing religion, Scientology, boasts making it's members adept in relationship functionality.

"She, and I emphasize the pronoun, SHE..." said Cruise referring to his new girlfriend Katie Holmes, "...has a great sense of humor and doesn't mind having a little adventure in her life,"

Cruise added: "I like riding motorcycles and flying airplanes and normal vaginal intercourse".

"The relationships I've had, which have NOT been GAY relationships... you got that?... I've found very fulfilling," he said. "I've learned and I've grown from them and I have no regrets. It's a great time in my life."

Cruise then paused in the interview making sure the interviewer understood he said 'great' not 'gay'.

In his last film, "Collateral," released in Britain last year, Cruise played a contract killer who hijacks a taxi in Los Angeles and forces the driver to drive him to his victims.

"The killer was right butch," said Cruise, "and not and definitely NOT a poofta".

To demonstrate his straightness, Cruise then took out an old copy of Hustler and masturbated to it to completion.

"See! SEE??!!" said Cruise repeatedly afterwards, jumping up and down and pumping his fists.