Carl Sagan's Butt

Cue Vangelis Music

Carl Sagan voiceover: The Cosmos is VAST and TIMELESS. As we journey through it, in our ship of the imagination, we notice that there are BILLIONS of planets, BILLIONS of galaxies and BILLIONS of stars. Around one such star, floating languidly in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy we see a ringed planet. Saturn. A titan of the solar system, it sails MAJESTICALLY through ageless heavens keeping an heroic vigil over our local stellar neighborhood. Contemplating this ancient giant we realize, with no small measure of astonishment, that if Saturn were a BILLION times smaller, it would fit perfectly... in my butt.

(Music: Swells briefly then fades)

As we gaze out into the heavens from our imaginary vessel, we see other heavenly bodies, stars, black holes, comets, meteors, asteroids, red giants, white dwarfs, all parts of the cosmos, ALL, if they were the right size, would fit perfectly... in my BUTT.

My butt is the measure of all things. It harmonates and resonates with the lifeSTUFF of the cosmos, it....

(SFX: SLOWING DOWN EFFECT OF VIDEOTAPE STOPPING ON EDITING SYSTEM)

Carl: That's good, good. But I want you to hold that shot of my left buttcheek a little longer, I want the camera to pull back slowly and we see...

Editor: Uh, listen Carl, I wanted to mention something...

C: What?

E: (uncomfortably) Well, look I've been working on this project of yours now for 3 months...

C: Yeah...?

E: And well, you've got thirteen hour long episodes here and...

C: Yes?

E: Well I mean... they're all about... your butt.

C: And?

E: Well, I mean, the whole series is about your BUTT.

c: I don't understand.

E: I mean, don't you think that's a little weird?

C: Look my butt is the perfect metaphor for the cosmos. The hairs on my butt...

E: (quickly) Look I don't want to get into that! I mean, does PBS know you're using their grant money for this?

C: I told them I was making a science series.

E: "...About your butt".

C: Well... I guess I left that part out.

E: Carl! Oh man...

C: I am only trying to educate the uhhhh public as to the glorious WONDER and MAJESTY of my butt. The sweeping ageless BASTION and CITIDEL.... Of my butt.

E: Dude, I think you need some serious help.

C: You're just repressed man!

E: Yeah and you are seriously whacked dude!

C: Yeah well we'll just see about that

E: Yes I guess we will.

C: Okay fine

E: Fine.

C: Great

(fades)

Later, Carl in psychiatrist's office

P: Hello Carl, I'm Dr. Berger, sit down please. So, Carl, I'm glad you came in to see me. You said some things on the phone this morning when you called, you seem sort of... preoccupied.

C: What do you mean?

P: Uh, let's get back to that in a second. I want to give you a test right now, if I could.

C: Alright.

P: I'm going to list some objects and you tell me where these things... BELONG. Okay?

C: Belong.

P: Yes. Ready?

C: Yes.

P: Alright. A banana.

(Long pause)

P: Okay let's come back to that one. Uhhhh. How about this. A thompson gazelle.

C: Well... I think it would belong. In my... buuhtt?? I mean it's theoretically possible....

P: Okay okay how about a large flowery hat

C: Oh, well, c'mon, that OBVIOUSLY belongs in my butt. Sheesh....

P: Okay, how about this lovely naugehyde wallet?

C: Well, I would put that just to the left of my butt and then I would take large garden furniture and shrink them down molecularly and then I would put them inside of me one after the....

P: Okay, you are whacked you are seriously whacked, dude!

C: Oh yeah? Why what's wrong with that? Why can't I do that? I have a degree! I have a degree goddammit! Etc. (improvise argument)

P: (at same time) You're out of your mind dude, you should be locked up in a padded room, you... etc.

Phil Hartman type Announcer: We'll get back to Carl Sagan's Butt right after this....