| BUSH:
Good Morning.
SADDAM: Good
morning, Sir. Welcome to the Persian Gulf.
BUSH: Ah, thank you, my good man.
SADDAM: What can I do for you, Sir?
BUSH: Well, I was, uh, sitting in old 1600 Pennsylvania just now
skimming through the Times and I suddenly came over old fear.
SADDAM: Old fear, sir?
BUSH: 1991.
SADDAM: Eh?
BUSH: Bad economy, bad polls
SADDAM: Ah, trouble at home!
BUSH: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "I'd better
walk over to the old stomping grounds, make sure the bugger has
the goods," so, I curtailed my Presidential activities, got
on the horse, and penetrated your place of evil doers to negotiate
the war on terror!
SADDAM: (pause) Come again?
BUSH: 'Ee, Ah'd like te' 'ave ay WAHR wit ye!'
SADDAM: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
BUSH: Well, eh, how about a low-yield neutron bomb?
SADDAM: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of low-yield neutron bomb.
BUSH: Oh, never mind, how are you on armor-piercing shells?
SADDAM: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week,
sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
BUSH: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of
weapons-grade plutonium, if you please.
SADDAM: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting
it this morning.
BUSH: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, armored tanks?
SADDAM: Sorry, sir.
BUSH: Surface to air missiles?
SADDAM: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
BUSH: Ah. Cluster bombs?
SADDAM: Sorry.
BUSH: Laser guided missiles?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Stinger missiles?
SADDAM: Nope…
BUSH: Serin gas? Microbes?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Any nerve gas, per chance.
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Mustard gas?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Carbon monoxide?
SADDAM: Uh, no
BUSH: Napalm, perhaps?
SADDAM: Ah! We have Napalm, yessir.
BUSH: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
SADDAM: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
BUSH: Oh, I like it runny.
SADDAM: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
BUSH: No matter. Fetch me heah the gelatinized gazzoline de jour!
Mmmwah!
SADDAM: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
BUSH: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with
all speed.
SADDAM: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
BUSH: What now?
SADDAM: Kuwait's eaten it.
BUSH: (pause) Has he.
SADDAM: She, sir.
(pause)
BUSH: Flame throwers?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: M-16's?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: AK-47's?
SADDAM: (pause) No.
BUSH: Hand grenades?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Bayonets?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Civil War-era flintlock rifles?
SADDAM: No, sir.
BUSH: You...do *have* SOME weapons, don't you?
SADDAM: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's an evil, dangerous weapons-of-mass-destruction-bearing
nation, sir. We've got-
BUSH: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
SADDAM: Fair enough.
BUSH: (muttering) Insane...
SADDAM: Yes?
BUSH: What?
SADDAM: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Saddam Hussein.
(pause)
BUSH: Swords, sabers,
knives, cutlery of any sort, nailguns, ballpeen hammers, ping
pong paddles, bataca bats?
SADDAM: (shakes head throughout)
BUSH: Exploding pens,
SADDAM: Uh, not as such.
BUSH: Exploding shoes,
SADDAM: no
BUSH: steel-toed boot?
SADDAM: no
BUSH: B-B Guns,
SADDAM: no
BUSH: Slingshots,
SADDAM: no
BUSH: Rubber bands,
SADDAM: no
BUSH: Damp spitballs?
SADDAM: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
BUSH: Aah, how about nuclear MISSILES?
SADDAM: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
BUSH: Not much ca--they're the single most popular weaponry in
the world!
SADDAM: Not 'round here, sir.
BUSH: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular weaponry 'round
hyah?
SADDAM: SCUD missiles, sir.
BUSH: ARE they?
SADDAM: Oh, yes, they're staggeringly popular in this region.
BUSH: ARE they.
SADDAM: They're our number one best weapon, sir!
BUSH: I see. Uuh...Scud missiles, eh?
SADDAM: Right, sir.
BUSH: All right. Okay. (pause) 'Have you...'
SHUT THOSE BLOODY KURDS UP!
SADDAM: Sorry sir
BUSH: Have you
got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
SADDAM: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!
BUSH: It's not much of a evil, dangerous weapons-of-mass-destruction-bearing
COUNTRY, is it?
SADDAM: The most dangerous in the region!
BUSH: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion,
please.
SADDAM: Well, we're so MEAN, sir!
BUSH: (Sigh)
SADDAM: (brightly) You haven't asked me about suitcase bombs sir.
BUSH: Would it be worth it?
SADDAM: Could be....
BUSH: (slowly) Have you got any suitcase bombs?
SADDAM: No.
BUSH: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of
purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place.
Tell me:
SADDAM: Yessir?
BUSH: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weapons here at
all.
SADDAM: No, sir, sorry sir, I was deliberately wasting your time,
sir.
BUSH: I see. Well. I'm going to have to bomb you.
SADDAM: Right-o sir.
BOOM!
BUSH: What a *senseless*
waste of human life.
(Puts on cowboy hat and rides off into sunset)
SUPERIMPOSED TITLES:
ROGUE NATION |
