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An un-produced sketch (or skit or script) for a fictional trailer pairing the disparate talents of Woody Allen and David Lynch. Make of it what you will.

 

Twin Freaks

 

Woody AllenDavid Lynch

 

(Cue Dramatic music)

 

Voiceover: 
(very serious and dramatic)

 

In a world of remakes and sequels... in a land of no new ideas... in a time of cinematic cliche's... comes a vision so compelling and disturbing, you will find it unforgettable. Now, two of the greatest minds in American cinema team forces. Director of Eraserhead David Lynch and Annie Hall's Woody Allen bring you: TWIN FREAKS.


(Music: Dixieland band, swing)

 

Voiceover:
(more upbeat)
Woody Allen IS Dickson Tyconderoga, an aging New York true crime writer thrust into a world of surreal intrigue and dark angst while researching his latest novel. There, he is led through the twisted labyrinthe of a bizarre nightmare world where he is forced to confront his own deepest fears.

 

(No music)


(SFX: sobbing in background and sound of electrical discharge like bad neon light, this continues for a few seconds, the sound of footsteps echoing as they shuffle against a bare stone floor)

 

Deep-voiced Woman 
(desperately, seriously and dementedly): 
Make love to me. I want to feel your... DEATH deep inside of me. Give me your deeaath! Give me your deeeath!

 

Woody Allen
Actually, that's okay, I just wanted an iced cappucino, if you don't mind.... (sighs disgustedly)

 

(SFX: Sound of button being pushed noisily and recording of Buckwheat from The Little Rascals saying going 'eeehhhheeeehhh' over small speaker)


Woody Allen: 
And what's with the TAPE PLAYER all the time? I mean, Jesus, you've got the circus clown with no legs holding a stuffed ferret, you've got the deformed placenta-eating midget talking backwards in the corner over there, you've you've... [Tape plays again] and every few seconds you play this TAPE of some demented person moaning or babbling or... Really honey, you know (clears throat slightly) I think you REALLY need to get some hobbies going.

 

(Halfway through this the woman starts to keen insanely like she's in pain... then: SFX: Sound of button being pushed frustratedly and other woman says 'Got a light?' over and over)


Woody: 
Oh God... (taking off glasses and rubbing face exasperatedly) The Starbucks in Greenwich Village is REALLY going downhill.


(Cue Dixieland band music again)


Voiceover:
Yes, Twin Freaks, sporting an all star cast: Oscar-winner Edward Norton, Willem DaFoe, Jeff Goldblum, Charlyn Fenn, Alan Alda, Kirstie Alley, Kyle MacLachlan, Louise Lasser and Christopher Walken Jr.


(SFX: Intermittent electrical charge, clock ticking, loud constant dripping and flies buzzing)

(voices are echoed slightly)


Christopher Walken Jr.: 
So... Dickson... Tell me about... your problem...


Woody: 
You know, I don't know, I feel if I don't STOP this... If I don't stop whining and self-obsessing and neurotically wringing my hands, I really think that the... the force of Karma or GOD himself is really really going to let me have it. He's really going to give me just just some kind of horrible misfortune or disease. Some kind of multiple sclerosis, or possibly inoperable bone cancer, you know, I could get into a car crash and lose all four of my limbs. SOMETHING BAD is going to happen to me, and I would deserve it! I would totally deserve it all of it. Basically he's saying to me, you know, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. You know?


Christopher Walken Jr.:
(eating orange slices which he cuts out of an orange) You know... it's crazy... my father... he died in a car crash. Blood everywhere. I remember the sound of the breaking glass, the smell of the gasoline, his torn eyelid jerking spasmodically in the glow of the blue streetlight. It was totally... insane.


Woody:
Look I'm not interested in your personal history okay? I have a one-armed man chasing me, I've got a literary agent that wants to pay me with a skinned sheep's head, and my wife just gave birth to a cow fetus without any skin on it!


(SFX: Screaming in background)

(Woody throws up his hands in exasperation)

 

Christopher Walken Jr.: 
Can I offer you some... pudding?


(SFX: sound of bowl being slid over table, same screaming in background again)


Woody: 
Pudding? Pudding?? What am I TWELVE? You know I think... I think we have to talk about this because (clears throat slightly) I hate to break it to you, but you are definitely NOT working out as my analyst.


(Music: Twin Peaks theme)


Voiceover: 
"Bizarre, insane, groutesque, and hopelessly neurotic" raves the Village Voice.


"Not since Lynch's early funny work has a film been so disturbing" trumpets the New York Times


"Woody has never been better. Never before has a flayed sheep's head buzzing with blowflys been so gosh-darn funny!" howls Rex Reed.


TWIN FREAKS also stars Nicholas Cage, Crispin Glover, Bob Balaban, Robert Blake, John Cusack, Joan Cusack, Anjelica Huston, Dennis Hopper, Bill Pullman, Anne Heche and Tony Roberts.


(SFX: City street ambience)


Woody: 
So your saying the murderer actually had his entire blood supply replaced with Sanka?


Tony Roberts:
That's right max.


Woody:
Jesus, I... was he...


(SFX: Small Explosion).


Woody Allen:
(scared) Gah--What was that?


Tony Roberts: 
(same deadpan) 
That was my left hand exploding Max.


Woody Allen:
(incredulous) Exploding??


Tony Roberts:
Yes, Max. Spontaneously exploding into a gory fountain of... mangled flesh and... bone fragment... (beat) Where do you want to go for lunch Max?


Woody Allen:
Stop calling me Max
.

 

Tony Roberts:
Whatever you say, Max.

 


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