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-= A Latent Einstein Outreach Ministry by Phineas Narco of the Church of the Subgenius =-



 

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A shorter, much shorter, version of this did appear on an Over the Edge show. We're just not sure which one. Various attempts were made to produce this, but to no avail. Enjoy.

OTE Theme first part:

(Cue: Fanfare Music)

Announcer: Live from the Large Mouth Bass Fishing Arena! It's the Phineas Narco and Ronald Redball Reunion Show:

Starring Phineas Narco and Ronald Redball

With special guest stars:
Leonardo DiCaprio
DeForest Kelley
Patrick Stewart
Dolly Parton
President George W. Bush and First Lady Laura Bush
Prosecutor Kenneth Starr
James Mason
Etc.

And now... won't you please welcome that catfighting duo that love to hate each other.. Phinea--- Oh wait someone just handed me some last minute additions to this show... we also are going to have
(more applause)
Madonna!
The Red Hot Chili Peppers performing 'Give It Away Give it Away Now'
Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Bill Cosby!
Multi-Grammy award winner Beck! singing 'I'm a Loser'
David Spade
The late Phil Hartman
My wife Linda
Gary the soundman and his dog
David Letterman and Paul Schaeffer presenting a special humanitarian award to Burt Reynolds
Buddy Hackett!
The Taco Bell chihuhua
(applause increases here)
All this AND MORE in this special ONE HOUR telecast!
And now, here are the stars of tonight's extravaganza: Phineas Narco and Ronalllld Redballlll

Phineas: Hi folks, thanks for coming. Thank you (SFX: applause dies) Well, uh, unfortunately Ronald isn't here yet. (SFX: Crowd disappointed) He said he was coming. I guess he's... late. I don't know what happened. Mr. Edge?

Edge: Well that does happen, Phineas.

[Phineas and Edge improv for 5 or 10 minutes, play clips, etc. to try and stall for time while waiting for Ronald]

Edge: Ah! I am getting a... he's here. Ronald is here. He just-- here he is, ladies and gentleman that wonderfully wild wildman of comedy here he is: Ronald Redball!

(cue Carpenter's Song: Our Love Will Grow. "Love... look at the two of us...")

Ronald: (lackluster) Hi. Hi.

Phineas: Ronald. It's great to see you...

Ronald: Fine....

Phineas: We're back together again...

Ronald: Very good...

Phineas: Did you have trouble getting here?

Ronald: Yes, never mind!

Phineas: (pause) oh. Well, I see you-- Well it's no problem I'm not going to rag on Ronald for being late...

Ronald: (Sarcastically) Oh... Great...

Phineas: Uh... so I mean it's... the important thing is that we're HERE and we're going to have FUN at the uh, Narco and Redball Reunion.

Ronald: Well, wait a minute, why is it 'Narco and Redball'

Phineas: What do you mean?

Ronald: Well, I mean, I thought we agreed it was going to be 'Redball and Narco'

Phineas: When did we agree on that?

Ronald: Well, When did we agree that it was going to be 'Narco and Redball'?

Phineas: I... Look we had the signs painted up, we have the great big neon sign back here, it's been promoted like that on the radio for the past 3 weeks Ronald, heh heh.

Ronald: Well, I never agreed to that

Phineas: (testily) Well maybe if you were a little bit more involved in the process (catches himself, fake laughter) hahaha look, this is fine, we'll just change the name of the show okay? (fake laughter) okay, I'm willing... in the nature of giving and friendship we'll call it whatever you want. We'll call it The Ronald Redball Show okay?

Ronald: Well, you don't have to be sarcastic about it.

Phineas: (snaps) I am not being...! (catches himself) hahaha Well, alright, so I mean the important thing is that we're HERE we're POSITIVE, I think it's going to be a GREAT show we have all these things lined up. And so... so...

Ronald: What's wrong with you?

Phineas: (pause) So Ronald--

Ronald: Why are we doing this? This arena is really cheesy, we've used this place in other shows, you can't even come up with your own ideas...

Phineas: (pause) So Ronald--

Ronald: This whole big show thing has been done before...

Phineas: (reading off cue card) So Ronald, you've done many classic shows on Over the Edge: 'The Fire Show', 'The Dummy Show' and I know the audience enjoys your many whacky impersonations.

Ronald: (long pause) What?? Why are you doing that with your eyes?... Oh I'm supposed to read this? You've got CUE CARDS?

Phineas: (Sigh)

Ronald: (obviously reading) "Yes PHINEAS, and you've done many "great" shows, to..." oh, you've done many great shows TOO, I see, "that I really admire like the Telecrime shows and 'Eat This'. You really have a wonderful--" What is this crap? I've never even heard these shows. Who wrote this stuff?

Phineas: Sigh. It' just-- (SFX: Disappointed groan from audience) It's okay. It's okay, we don't have to read the cue cards. It's--- (fake) hahahaa it's we can just,,, be... be ourselves.

Ronald: (angrily) What are you TALKING about? What is this? What is this... big NEON sign up above the stage that says Narco & Redball?

Phineas: It's just-- It's just... a sign I made.

Ronald: Why do you have this?

Phineas: I spent-- I spent 3 months making that sign.

Ronald: This is radio. This is RADIO, Phineas! No one can see that sign. What were you thinking?

Phineas: It's just that... I wanted this to be a special occasion and (brightening) it is a special occasion because because (pitifully) we're here, we're together, we're positive and I think it's.. it's going to be a great show (enthusiastically yet desperate) don't you think people? C'mon! Get behind me on this!

(smattering of applause)

Ronald: That's fine, you can have your little SHOW but I have tapes I want to play.

Phineas: That's fine, FINE, great, I don't want to interfere, we'll get to those...

Ronald: NOW.

Phineas: Okay... fine, it's just that we have many acts lined up and I was hoping...

Ronald: And what's with these acts?? you've booked like 60 acts for a for a 60 minute show.

Phineas: Well... we might run a little over.

Ronald: A little over? Are you nuts?

Phineas: (pregnant pause) hahahaha (fake). He's just kidding. You know, I was hoping I was HOPING haha that we could just take a trip down memory lane and look at some great Narco and R-- Some GREAT moments that we've had over the years

Ronald: Like the time you ripped my shirt?

Phineas: (long pause) Oh yes that was... heh HEH! I'm not quite sure why you brought that particular memory up just right now but sure, I mean... you know, (speaking quickly) I'm going to be honest here folks, Ronald and I have had our disagreements in the past and we've had fights but I mean but that's behind us now and this is a time of forgiveness and love and reunification and acceptance a time when we can come together and have laughter and good feelings....

Ronald: When are you going to give me my walkman back?

Phineas: (pause) What?

Ronald: When are you going to give me my walkman back?

Phineas: (long tense pause) (Losing all sense of compuse:) WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A DICK RONALD? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A DICK??

Ronald: I'm just wondering when I can have my walkman back you've had it for almost a year.

Phineas: Oh I'VE had it for almost a year? You gave it to me because you made me miss meeting George Carlin!

Ronald: You could have met him after the show.

Phineas: (Phineas makes sputtering sounds of incredible rage) Ooooh I HATE you Ronald! I hate you! You are such an incredible moron! why do I waste my time on this IDIOT? I go to the trouble of making this show, you don't help, you don't show upon time. I WISH YOU WOULD JUST DIE! THANK YOU for pointing out what an incredible stupid, imbecilic, MORON...

(audience gasps)

(SFX: Loud crash)


Phineas: There, the sign is dead! AAAAAHHHHH!!! I hate this guy! Why does he torment me so! Oh my god, I have such an incredible, all pervasive HATE for you Ronald, the very sight of you makes me want to puke up bloody chunks of my intestinal wall! Please if there are any SERIAL KILLERS in the sound of my VOICE that can KILL this man please contact me and I will give you all the information you need to...

(during this)

Ronald: Why are you getting so upset? You want to do a show and then you just go crazy, you go off on some tirade, have you taken your meds? Have you taken your medication? What are you so upset about? You want to do the show don't you? What's wrong with you? You're overreacting. You're totally ruining this. What's wrong with you?

Phineas: Yeah? Well you're a MORON that's what you are. If it were up to me I'd cut off your STUPID head and kick it around like a soccer ball.

(in the midst of the fight cue Beatles singing "Love, love, love")

Phineas: Stop it! Stop playing that! That was... And stop applauding! You're just encouraging him! That's it! I am WALKING! I am leaving. WELCOME folks! This is the last time we will EVER EVER be onstage together, you will NEVER SEE Ronald Redball and Phineas-- see I even said your name FIRST, I said your name FIRST are you happy now? Do you have a chubby now? Good?

(SFX: Footsteps walking away)

Ronald (during this): I think you are totally blowing this out of proportion. You are totally freaking out over nothing, I thought this was going to be a regular show, you are totally out of line. Fine, fine, what are you going to do now? You're losing your mind. You've lost your mind.

Edge: Phineas watch out...

(SFX: Even louder CRASH)

Ronald: Oh good going Phineas, you just knocked over like a ten thousand dollar stage light. Real smooth move ex-lax!

Edge: Ronald, the light is catching the curtain on fire.

(audience screams, reacts)

Ronald: Oh great, where are you going, did you see that he--

(SFX: sound of fire)

Edge: We should get out of here. It's spreading up the side of the stage.

Ronald: Where's the exit door? Where's the exit door?

Edge: The smoke! (cough)

Ronald: (panicking) I can't see! (cough) What's happening?? What's happening?? Aaaaah!!!

(Sounds of panic and fire overwhelm. Then static)

Resume OTE theme

KPIX NIGHTCAST THEME
Announcer: At the top of the news hour--A six alarm fire in the San Francisco theater district has claimed the lives of 26 people after a local radio broadcast ended in tragedy earlier this evening. 'The Redball and Narc--' I'm sorry, the 'Narco and Redball Reunion', being simulcast on KPFA in Berkeley ended in disaster when one of the members of the show, Phineas Narco knocked over a stagelight allegedly starting the blaze. Almost a hundred theater-goers were taken to nearby hospitals including beloved radio personality Ronald Redball who was critically injured in the fire. Doctors at St. Peterman's hospital have stated that Redball suffered 3rd degree burns over 90 percent of his body. His condition is listed as critical but stable.

(setting at hospital)

(whispering)

Doctor: Now, be very careful with him. He's been through a traumatic event and he's under heavy sedation.

Phineas; Okay

Doctor: Try not to upset him. You can see him for five minutes, but keep in mind he's lost a lot of fluid and his condition is very delicate, he's in a lot of pain.

Phineas: I understand, doctor don't worry about anything. I just want to apologize.

Doctor: Okay, I'll be right out here if you need me.

Phineas: Okay. Thank you!

(SFX: Sound of door closing)

Phineas: Hello? Buddy? Hi. Hi there little buddy...

(SFX: Sound of respirator and beep of heart monitor. Ronald can only respond through 'mmmm' noises as if duct tape is over his mouth)

Ronald: (stirring) mmmmm?

Phineas: Hi, it's me, heh heh, Phineas

(beeping increases slightly)

Phineas: Oh, heh he hi there. I brought you some flowers for you, buddy, they're... I know you can't smell them, because you have... no... nose.. but, uh...boy they have you wrapped up like a mummy don't they? (spooky voice) "Look like the mummy" haha. Uh, I hope that's you under there.

Ronald: mmmm mm.

Phineas: And-- oh here, I got you some chocolates too, even though you can't eat them... because you don't have... any lips. Sorry about that.

Ronald: mmmm mmm mmmm.

Phineas: What's that?

Ronald: mmmm mmm mmmm.

Phineas: Oh, I got out okay, I happened to slip out the exit door just as the fire was---

Ronald: mmm mmmm mmmm!

Phineas: No, I wasn't hurt at all. I'm absolutely fine, don't worry! I appreciate your concern. I'm just sorry that the reunion didn't go very well.

Ronald: mmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmmm.

Phineas: Well don't worry, we can have another one. Hey, it's okay. I already talked to Mr. Edge and as soon as your all healed up we'll do another one. I think the publicity from this is going to really work for us Ronald.

Ronald: MMMM MMM MMMMM MMMM MMMMM MMMMM!!

(beeping gets faster)

Phineas: Sssssh! SSSHHH! The doctor is right outside. I know you're upset about the show not going well but I'm sorry okay? I didn't mean for this to happen.

Ronald: MMMM MMM! (sounds like 'fuck you'!)

Phineas: I was worried about the ratings too, but look, forget the show okay?

Ronald: Mmmm mmm! (again)

Phineas: That's nice of you, I understand, but listen, Nothing matters except you. And I mean that. I want you to know that.

Ronald: Mmmm mmm mmm mmmmmmm! (sounds like 'fuck you you asshole!')

Phineas: You're upset.

Ronald: MM MMMM! (no shit!)

Phineas: What is WRONG?... Are you okay? Are you comfortable?

Ronald: Mmmmmm?!

Phineas: Are you comfortable buddy? You look like you could use another pillow.

Ronald: MMM MMMMM! MMM MMMM! (no!)

Phineas: Just let me put this pillow...

Ronald: (panicking) MMMM MMMM MMMM!!!

Phineas: Just let me just slip it under here...

Ronald: MMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!

Phineas: Come on! That's okay, there we go let me just lift you up here.

Ronald: MMMMM MMMMMMMM MMMMMMM!!!!

Phineas: There we go... (patting ronald on shoulder Ronald: MMMMM MMMM!!) There there. It's okay. You just don't worry about a thing buddy, Phineas is going to take care of you from now on.

(beeping sound very fast now)

Ronald: (in horrible pain) MMMMMMM MMMMMM MMMMMM!!!

Doctor (entering): Mr. Narco what are you doing?

Phineas: Oh I was... he just seems very upset for some reason.

Doctor: Of course he is, he's due for his morphine drip.

Phineas: Morphine?

Doctor: Yes, morphine. In case you hadn't noticed SOMEONE started a fire and and burned off over 90 percent of his skin.

Phineas: Oh yeah.. sorry about that.

Doctor: About the only thing not burned were his armpits.

Phineas: Oh really? Hey buddy you hear that? You still have your armpits!

Ronald: MMMM MMM!

Phineas: Well, I was just trying to be positive!

Doctor: Just a minute Mr. Redball, in just a minute, you'll have your morphine....

Ronald: (anxiously) mmmm mmmm!

Doctor: ...And then you can relax and feel... much... better!

Phineas: So... he gets morphine huh? [makes tsk'ing sounds of jealousy]

Doctor: Yes, once an hour.

Phineas: Once an hour. [tsk]

Doctor: Yes, he's in excruciating pain.

Phineas: Oh, well that's good... I mean! it's good he gets morphine, that's helpful isn't it?

Doctor: Yes it is. Now, I just put this in his IV unit and... there we go... and in just a few seconds it will take effect.

Ronald: (Makes contented mmmm mmm sounds-- beeping drops down very slow in speed)

Doctor: There we go.

Phineas: I see and he gets this once an hour.

Doctor: Yes any more and he'd get addicted.

Ronald: (very high) mmmmmmmmmmm...

Phineas: I see.

Doctor: Okay, it looks like things are a bit calmer in here now. Let's keep it that way shall way?

Phineas: Okay, okay, no problem-- yeah, I don't know what happened just now...

Doctor: Now I'm going to leave the two of you alone...

Ronald: (high) mmmmmmm?

(SFX: beeping rate increases slightly)

Doctor: ...and let's just try and keep things on a nice even keel for the rest of your visit, okay?

Phineas: Thank you doctor I appreciate your help.

Doctor: Not at all, just doing my job, good night.

Phineas: Goodnight. (doctor leaves) Ah well. Heh. Morphine, huh? Haha. Well, you know... hmmm. I, uh... Well look buddy you're probably so stoned on that stuff you can't even understand what I'm saying. It's just that... Well I was just thinking I've always been curious what it's like to... try that stuff?

Ronald: Mmmmm?

Phineas: No, I couldn't. It's just that... well... he said you could get addicted to it, and you do get it once an hour. Well let me ask.. would you mind terribly if I just tried a little bit?

Ronald: (panicking) Mmmm mmmm!

(beeping rate increases more)

Phineas: You wouldn't? Thanks!

Ronald: (angry) MmMMMM! MMMM! MMMMMMM! (continuing)

Phineas: Come on Ronald! you get it once an hour! Why are you so selfish?? Why be so selfish? Let me just have a little bit of it, I'll just do a little poke in and out here, just a taste, just a taste.

Ronald: MMMMMMM!MMM!!

(Phineas tries to pull needle from arm, Ronald fights him)

Phineas: Dammit...

(doctor enters)

Doctor: Mr. Narco what are you doing?

Phineas: Oh I was just adjusting the IV doctor, it was slipping out and he was becoming upset because he--

Doctor: Oh here let me help you with that. (adjusts IV) There we are. You know, I appreciate your help you know, you're very helpful and thoughtful AND I know you want to be supportive of your friend but you've done all you can do for him at this point. I'll just let you finish up your visit and you can see your way out.

Phineas: Okay doctor!

(doctor leaves)

Phineas: (intensely) Just a little taste...!

(Leaps on Ronald, Ronald screams and they struggle violently, each struggling for the IV)

(SFX: Ploik!)

(Phineas laps at the spurting needle greedily)

Doctor (entering): Mr. Narco what are you doing?

Phineas: Oh, I uh... (sticks needle back into Ronald, hastily, though, in his left eye.)

Ronald: Yelp!

Phineas: I understand. That's fine, well. I've done all I can do at this point. Goodbye Ronald! Okay?

Ronald: (totally stoned) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Phineas: I'll visit you tomorrow, okay?

Ronald: (long pause) mm?

Phineas: Okay, well you take care.

Doctor (attends to Ronald) Mr. Redball...

Ronald: Mmmmmmmmmm......

Phineas: Okay goodnight

Doctor: Goodnight

Phineas thinking (reverbed): Boy, it was nice of Ronald to be understanding. He's such a great guy, in such good spirits after the... accident. I hope he really gets well, I hope he really gets well and we can do--

Bug (in Phineas's head calling): Pheenius! Pheeeeenius!

Phineas: Huh? What?

Bug: Hello. This is BUG.

Phineas: Boy, I-- I-- it's almost as if I can hear Bug, that lovable cartoon character---

Bug: It's me BUG. And I uuused to be in Ronald's head... and noowwwwww I'm in your head hehe

Phineas: That's funny. I didn't think that.

Bug: Cuz I SAID IT stupid! Now listen up you stupid psychotic little idiot...

Phineas: Hey...

Bug: We're going to make a few changes around here....

theme song:
Who crawls in and out
The roof of your mouth
Giving you evil thoughts
Who does a cute dance
And sleeps in your pants
It's wonderful wonderful BUG

It's Bug It's Bug!
That magical insect is here
It's bug it's bug
He digs chicks he isn't a queer!

Phineas: I don't know about this last line bug, it seems all so homophobic to me.

Bug: It is not!

Phineas: But this is going to offend a lot of people, I don't think we should....

Bug: Shut up you stupid homo!

Phineas: Bug that is soooo prejudiced to use the word homo

Bug: What about fag?

Phineas: No!

Bug: How about fudgepacker?

Phineas: No! Stop that--

Bug: How about... some guy who... does weird things to other guys'... BUUUUHHHTTS?

Phineas: No Bug! It's WRONG to say things like that! That's NOT funny! (exasperated) What do you want anyway?

Bug: I want to crawl inside yourrrrrr head and eat your brain!!! and? You listen to me! I want you to go to the Bill Cosby comedy show....

(Phineas walks off, mesmerized)

Phineas: Yes... yes....

(fades)

ThoughtConduit v17.11.12B