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Heaven, Left-Wing - November 16th, 2006 - Amongst the homosexuals and the schizophrenics killed by injustice, violence and hate in the history of man on earth, tired of sitting at the right hand of God for all eternity where there was "nothing to do" except dwelling upon his own horrific experiences, Jesus Christ, only begotten Son of God, now broods as a shell-shocked 'earth casualty' in a small studio apartment in which he has become a guarded and disheveled recluse.

Jesus crying

Heaven, Left-Wing - November 16th, 2006 - Amongst the homosexuals and the schizophrenics killed by injustice, violence and hate in the history of man on earth, tired of sitting at the right hand of God for all eternity where there was "nothing to do" except dwelling upon his own horrific experiences, Jesus Christ, only begotten Son of God, now broods as a shell-shocked 'earth casualty' in a small studio apartment in which he has become a guarded and disheveled recluse.

At a mere 33 years old, Jesus has become a prisoner of his own haunting memories of past madness, violence, and abuse at the hands of humans to whom he tried to teach love.

"I'm not happy" said Jesus, in an exclusive interview Tuesday with Cynical News. "You know, I'm not bitter either. I forgive, certainly. I know. But how can I forget? And now, they want me to go back and 'save' them?

"The irony is, I DO keep going back. I do! I try to teach, I try to make them see, I try to help out. But I just keep getting nailed again. And shot. And tortured. And a lot of them do it in my name! I'm in their mental hospitals, I'm in their prisons, I'm at Guantanamo, AND I'M STILL ON THE CROSS MAN! I mean, look, they nailed spikes in my hands and ankles, they hung me on two splintery boards of wood! They stuck me in the side with a spear! This is just the stuff I READ ABOUT okay? It's a little hard for me to remember all of it, you know?!

"Everytime I think of it, my hands ache, my feet ache. I'm beset by a million little aches and pains. Yeah, the divine part of me is like, 'they know not what they do' and all that, but let's not forget, I was 'begotten'. I'm part human. Kind of like Mr. Spock. I have feelings. I have..."

Jesus stared silently into space as if trying to recall a distant memory before continuing.

"I--I can't take this. You know? They keep looking to the sky and waiting for me to come back on a huge white horse and whisk them off to their heaven where they can get away from themselves. They don't understand that wherever they go, 'they' come along too. That's a longer story.

"It's--it's a pipe dream is what it is. They've got it all worked up in their heads. All worked up in their heads. All worked up in their heads...All...."

Jesus trailed off, then sighed and looked down dejectedly, putting his scarred hands over his face, and sighed deeply again, tears seeping from his haunted eyes.

"Oh, what's the point of thinking about it? All I ever do is think about it. I want to stop thinking. I wish... I were a Buddhist," said Jesus, his face a weathered and twisted mask of anguished pain.

Doctors in heaven say that Jesus is suffering from PTSD, an acronym for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a psychological condition brought on by trauma, in this case, his many millennia spent on earth, in various guises, trying to make humans 'see'.

Dr. "Angel of Mercy", M.D. has been treating Jesus for the past 2000 years.

"He's in a lot of pain," said Mercy. "Terrible agony. And yet He refuses all medication. Saying it's a 'temptation'. Frankly, at this point, we don't know what to do.. We can't force Him to take medication. He has convinced himself He's suffering for the world. It's almost as if He has, well, a 'Messiah Complex' of some sort. It's sad. It's not easy on us, watching him day after day dwelling and sinking deeper and deeper in his suffering and self-pity and despair. He just thinks of himself as some sort of--I hate to say it--'martyr'. It's sad".

"Ugggghhhhh. You don't know how it is Man!" said Jesus in a response Wednesday. "Earth is not all that great of place to go. I mean it *is* in some ways, no doubt, it can be quite wonderful and awe-inspiring, you should SEE some of the sunsets they have there... yeah... but in other ways... in other ways.... NOT so good. Okay? NOT so good. That's all I'm sayin'. That-tha-that's all I'm sayin'. That's all I'm sayin...'"

Jesus wept.

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