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-= A Latent Einstein Outreach Ministry by Phineas Narco of the Church of the Subgenius =-



 

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This is kind of a strange comedy sketch that never got produced. From back in the original lineup days of NCN. It is supposed to be in the style of a Kids in the Hall or Mr. Show type of sketch. No disrespect meant to the memory of Carl Sagan (we are big fans). We just thought his persona would be funny in this absurd context.

This is kind of a strange comedy sketch that never got produced. From back in the original lineup days of NCN. It is supposed to be in the style of a Kids in the Hall or Mr. Show type of sketch. No disrespect meant to the memory of Carl Sagan (we are big fans). We just thought his persona would be funny in this absurd context.

Cue Vangelis Music (continues throughout background)

Carl Sagan voiceover (slight reverb): The Cosmos is VAST and TIMELESS. As we journey through the stars in our ship of the imagination, we notice that there are BILLIONS of planets... BILLIONS of galaxies.... and BILLIONS and BILLIONS of stars. Around one such star, floating languidly in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy, we see a ringed planet. This... is Saturn. A titan of the solar system, it sails MAJESTICALLY through ageless heavens, as if keeping an heroic vigil over our local stellar neighborhood. (pause) Contemplating this ancient giant we realize, with no small measure of astonishment, that if Saturn were a BILLION times smaller, it would fit perfectly... in my BUTT.

(Music swells momentarily)

(cont.) As we gaze out into the heavens, from our imaginary vessel, we see other heavenly bodies, stars, black holes, comets, meteors, asteroids, red giants, white dwarfs, all heavenly bodies that make up our cosmos. We feel no little sense of astonishment as we realize that ALL of them, if they were the right size, would fit perfectly... in my BUTT.

(Music swells majestically, fades)

(cont.) My butt... is the measure of all things. It harmonates and resonates with the lifeSTUFF of the cosmos, it....

(SFX: SLOWING DOWN EFFECT OF VIDEOTAPE STOPPING ON EDITING SYSTEM)

Carl: (in studio tinnier voice quality, panned right slightly) That's good, good. Now, I want you to hold that shot of my left buttcheek a little longer, I want the camera to pull back slowly and then we see...

Editor: (in studio same quality panned left slightly) Uh, listen Carl, I wanted to mention something...

Carl: (Impatiently) What, what?

Editor: (uncomfortably) Well, look I've been working on this project of yours now for 3 months...

Carl: Yeah...?

Editor: And.... well... you've got thirteen one-hour long episodes here and...

Carl: Yes?

Editor: Well.... I mean... they're all about... your butt.

Carl: Annd... ?

Editor: Well, I mean, the whole series is about your BUTT, Carl.

Carl: I don't understand.

Editor: (sigh)

Carl: What are you saying?

Editor: (exasperated) I mean, I don't want to be critical here, but... don't you think that's a little weird?

Carl: You're right. (beat) We should expand it to 20 episodes at least.

Editor: Carl! Not! You're not getting my point man. Your butt is...

Carl: (Passionately) Look, my butt is the perfect metaphor for the cosmos. The various hairs ON my butt...

Editor : (quickly) Look I don't want to get into that! I mean, GEEZ, does PBS know you're using their grant money for this?

Carl: I... I told them I was making a science series.

Editor: "...about.... your BUTT ".

Carl: Well... I guess I left that part out.

Editor: CARL...! Oh MAN ...

Carl: (ponderously) Listen, I am only trying to educate the uhhhh public as to the glorious WONDER and MAJESTY of my.... butt. The sweeping, ageless BASTION and CITIDEL...

Editor: Dude, I think you need some serious help.

Carl: Yeah, well you're just repressed man!

Editor: Yeah and you are seriously whacked dude!

Carl: Yeah well we'll just see about that.

Editor: Yes I guess we will.

Carl: Okay fine

Editor: Fine.

Carl: Great

Editor: Great

(fades)

Later, Carl in psychiatrist's office

SFX: Dr. Berger hums to himself, shuffles papers.

SFX: Door opening sound of clock in one channel.

Dr. Berger: Hello Carl, I'm Dr. Berger, sit down please.

Carl: Thank you.

Dr. Berger: So, Carl, I'm glad you came in to see me. You said some things on the phone this morning when you called, you seem sort of... preoccupied.

Carl: What do you mean?

Dr. Berger: Uh.... well let's get back to that in a second. I wanted to give you a test right now, if I could. A sort of word association test. Is that all right?.

Carl: Yes, sure.

Dr. Berger: I'm going to show you some pictures of some objects and you tell me where these things... BELONG. Okay?

Carl: Belong. Right.

Dr. Berger: Yes. Ready?

Carl: Yes.

Dr. Berger: Alright... A banana.

(Long pause)

Dr. Berger: Okay, let's come back to that one shall we? Uhhhh. How about this. (SFX: Shuffling of cards) A.... thompson gazelle.

Carl: Well... I think it would.... belong.... in my... BU-HUHT?? I mean it's theoretically possible.

Dr. Berger: Okay okay now, how about a large flowery hat?

Carl: Oh, well, c'mon, that OBVIOUSLY belongs in my butt. Sheesh.... that's.... pretty clear.

Dr. Berger: Okay, now, how about this lovely naugehyde wallet?

Carl: Well.... I would put that just to the left of my butt...

Dr. Berger: Ah (SFX: pencil on paper)

Carl: ....and then I would take large garden furniture and shrink them down molecularly and then I would put them inside of me one by one by one after the....

Dr. Berger: Okay, you are whacked dude you ar seriously whacked.

Carl: Oh yeah? Why? What's wrong with that? Why can't I do that? I have a degree! I have a degree goddammit! (etc.)

Dr. Berger: You are out of your MIND dude, you should be locked up in a padded room, you... insane nutcase you... etc.

(Fades)

Announcer: We'll get back to Carl Sagan's Butt right after this....

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