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This was written just after the U.S. military action in Iraq began after 9/11. It is a direct spoof of the Monty Python Cheese Shoppe sketch with George W. Bush as the John Cleese character and Saddam Hussein as the ever evasive shop keeper.

(Inspired by Monty Python's Flying Circus)


BUSH: Good Morning.

SADDAM: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the Persian Gulf.

BUSH: Ah, thank you, my good man.

SADDAM: What can I do for you, Sir?

BUSH: Well, I was, uh, sitting in old 1600 Pennsylvania just now skimming through the Times and I suddenly came over old fear.

SADDAM: Old fear, sir?

BUSH: 1991.

SADDAM: Eh?

BUSH: Bad economy, bad polls

SADDAM: Ah, trouble at home!

BUSH: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "I'd better walk over to the old stomping grounds, make sure the bugger has the goods," so, I curtailed my Presidential activities, got on the horse, and penetrated your place of evildoers to negotiate the war on terror!

SADDAM: (pause) Come again?

BUSH: 'Ee, Ah'd like te' 'ave ay WAHR wit ye!'

SADDAM: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

BUSH: Well, eh, how about a low-yield neutron bomb?

SADDAM: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of low-yield neutron bomb.

BUSH: Oh, never mind, how are you on armor-piercing shells?

SADDAM: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

BUSH: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of weapons-grade plutonium, if you please.

SADDAM: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

BUSH: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, armored tanks?

SADDAM: Sorry, sir.

BUSH: Surface to air missiles?

SADDAM: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

BUSH: Ah. Cluster bombs?

SADDAM: Sorry.

BUSH: Laser guided missiles?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Stinger missiles?

SADDAM: Nope?

BUSH: Serin gas? Microbes?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Any nerve gas, per chance.

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Mustard gas?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Carbon monoxide?

SADDAM: Uh, no

BUSH: Napalm, perhaps?

SADDAM: Ah! We have Napalm, yessir.

BUSH: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

SADDAM: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

BUSH: Oh, I like it runny.

SADDAM: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

BUSH: No matter. Fetch me heah the gelatinized gazzoline de jour! Mmmwah!

SADDAM: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

BUSH: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

SADDAM: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

BUSH: What now?

SADDAM: Kuwait's eaten it.

BUSH: (pause) Has he.

SADDAM: She, sir.
(pause)

BUSH: Flame throwers?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: M-16's?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: AK-47's?

SADDAM: (pause) No.

BUSH: Hand grenades?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Bayonets?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Civil War-era flintlock rifles?

SADDAM: No, sir.

BUSH: You...do *have* SOME weapons, don't you?

SADDAM: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's an evil, dangerous weapons-of-mass-destruction-bearing nation, sir. We've got-

BUSH: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

SADDAM: Fair enough.

BUSH: (muttering) Insane...

SADDAM: Yes?

BUSH: What?

SADDAM: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Saddam Hussein.

(pause)

BUSH: Swords, sabers, knives, cutlery of any sort, nailguns, ballpeen hammers, ping pong paddles, bataca bats?

SADDAM: (shakes head throughout)

BUSH: Exploding pens,

SADDAM: Uh, not as such.

BUSH: Exploding shoes,

SADDAM: no

BUSH: steel-toed boot?

SADDAM: no

BUSH: B-B Guns,

SADDAM: no

BUSH: Slingshots,

SADDAM: no

BUSH: Rubber bands,

SADDAM: no

BUSH: Damp spitballs?

SADDAM: Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

BUSH: Aah, how about nuclear MISSILES?

SADDAM: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.

BUSH: Not much ca--they're the single most popular weaponry in the world!

SADDAM: Not 'round here, sir.

BUSH: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular weaponry 'round hyah?

SADDAM: SCUD missiles, sir.

BUSH: ARE they?

SADDAM: Oh, yes, they're staggeringly popular in this region.

BUSH: ARE they.

SADDAM: They're our number one best weapon, sir!

BUSH: I see. Uuh...Scud missiles, eh?

SADDAM: Right, sir.

BUSH: All right. Okay. (pause) 'Have you...'

SHUT THOSE BLOODY KURDS UP!

SADDAM: Sorry sir

BUSH: Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

SADDAM: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno!

BUSH: It's not much of a evil, dangerous weapons-of-mass-destruction-bearing COUNTRY, is it?

SADDAM: The most dangerous in the region!

BUSH: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

SADDAM: Well, we're so MEAN, sir!

BUSH: (Sigh)

SADDAM: (brightly) You haven't asked me about suitcase bombs sir.

BUSH: Would it be worth it?

SADDAM: Could be....

BUSH: (slowly) Have you got any suitcase bombs?

SADDAM: No.

BUSH: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

SADDAM: Yessir?

BUSH: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any weapons here at all.

SADDAM: No, sir, sorry sir, I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

BUSH: I see. Well. I'm going to have to bomb you.

SADDAM: Right-o sir.

BOOM!

BUSH: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

(Puts on cowboy hat and rides off into sunset)

SUPERIMPOSED TITLES:

ROGUE NATION



Original sketch here:



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