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-= A Latent Einstein Outreach Ministry by Phineas Narco of the Church of the Subgenius =-

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This is a very very weird sketch that we never produced, but it has parts for the original lineup of NCN including Ronald Redball. May be funny to some people. Enjoy! (May be NSFW)

(opening music)

Announcer: And now it's time for... The Bad Scientist

(SFX: laboratory ambience)

The Bad Scientist: (on phone) No no no no.... gimme a call back on Wednesday. Yes Wednesday. Okay. Okay BYE.

(SFX: Putting phone down).

The Bad Scientist: Well I don't know... today, I--I have some sodium chloride and I think I will put it over here on this flame here. And then I'm going to place this beaker over here and put some of this blue powder in it. Then I'm going to take some sulfuric acid and put some gunpowder on this then I'm going to take this and put it right....

(SFX: Huge explosion.... settles)

(SFX: City street background throughout)

Phinny: I want to buy this car.

Ronald Redball: Why?

Phinny: Why? Because I... I need a car and I like this one.

Ronald Redball: So?

Phinny: Alright... so, how much for it?

Ronald Redball: : (pause) Cook me some eggs.

Phinny: I will not! (hits him with hat) What's the MATTER with you. Doh - ho ho!

RR: Eat pudding! (beat) Orrrr.... give me $10,000. You can give me $10,000 for the car.

Phinny: (Agnoized) You're fuckin' me! you're fuckin' me hard man! I can feel it starting to part my pouty pink sphincter lips.

RR: (beat) Your "pouty pink spinchter lips"? Your "pouty pink spinchter lips"? Oh-ho..MAAAAYANN!

Phinny: (beat) (muttering) Well... it 's an expression of speech, isn't it.

RR: (incredulous) Your "pouty pink sphincter lips?" (long pause)

Phinny: What?


RR: (sigh).... very good!

Phinny: Let's have toast! (SFX: toaster popping up)

RR: Hey! What's wrong with you??

Phinny: I'm sorry, I'm.... sorry. I got nervous there for a second and sometime I had a mind attack.

RR: A what?

Phinny: A mind attack. (pause) You know like, some people have heart attacks I have a mind... attack. Like this: (affecting voice:) "Hello sir welcome to the Tooth and Barn sir, nice to see you sir, can I take your coat sir? Would you like some nice FRENCH-FRIED HORSE ESOPHAGUS sir? some nice batter-dipped FRENCH-FRIED HORSE ESOPHAGUS sir? We serve it with a white wine sauce, sir. We cook it in a white wine saaauuce sirrrrrr." (beat) Like that.

RR: (pause) You're insane.

Phinny: No no no no NO! now listen. I want to buy this CAR.

RR: Alright. But you'll have to give me... monkey felching... spread out over several months. (beat) Felch my monkey. Fellllch hiiiim!!!!

Phinny: (pause) (sniff) alright.

RR: I hate you.

Phinny: What?? I thought---

RR: You bastard! (slaps Phinny)

Phinny: OW! Why did you hit me?

RR: You swore to the naval creatures that you would be faithful to Emily!

Phinny: (very seriously) You leave the naval creatures out of this!

RR: Ah! The naval creatures have everything to do with the way you are now. (James Mason voice) I remember back in 1998, summer it was, the naval creatures who held you in their scaley arms and rocked you under a moon blue skyyyyy and...

Al: Say, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation... did you ever notice that when you see George Bush on TV it's really creepy.... it's like you're watching a robot or some kind of machine that has been programmed to say...

Phinny and RR: (exasperated and impatiently) Yes!

Phinny: Yeah yeah yeah and Cheney always is by his side, it looks like some creepy kind of reverse ventriloquist act going on.

RR: You Shut up!

Steve: Yes. Shut... up! Mao!!!

Phinny: How dare you!


(All three sigh)

(SFX: Crossfade to Background crickets at night, continues throughout)

Phinny: The turnips are turning blue in the moonlight!

RR: (Angrily) Don't speak to me of turnips and moonlight you swine! Have at you! (SFX: two slaps) Fie on you fie!

Phinny: You bastard! A pox on thee!

Steve: Oooooh..... so we're back to that are we?

Phinny: Sigh. I feel a horrible fatigue come over me just now, like my arms are going to fall off...

Steve: Please please please! let's have Lipton ice TEA when we get back to Denver!

(Phinny and RR) Shut UP!

(Background: City street again, night ambience)

RR: Alright, what's that?

Phinny: It's a buh.

Steve: A buh?

Phinny: A baahh hhaaah aaaaah... !

RR: A "Buhah"?

Phinny: A buh... a bomb!

Steve: Yes.

RR: It's going to blow us up.

Phinny: Yes.



(SFX: In echo)

RR: Didn't work.

Phinny: No (pause) we're ghosts.

RR: What?

Steve: We're ghosts, GHOSTS! We're dead.

Steve: No, Phinny just has the reverb on.

Phinny: Oh.

(SFX: Sound of click)

(SFX: normal)

RR: There.

Steve: Now what?

Phinny: We could eat food. And I still want that car.

RR: You shan't have it.

Phinny: If I had that car, MAN, why, I would take it out and... and lick it all over. With TONGUE! Then.... I would rub jelly beans on the headlights like..... this. "Neh! Neh! Neh! Neh! NEH!"

RR: You're not rubbing jelly beans on the headlights you're just saying 'Neh! Neh! Neh!....'

Phinny: Don't patronize me you blithering IDIOT!

Steve: Alright, calm down! You're getting excited!

(commercial jingle type music)

RR: At you're just one click away from total neh neh neh neh!

(music stops)

Steve: Mmmm..... the side of this building tastes like butter mmmmm.

RR: You TOTAL bastard.

(commercial jingle type music again)

RR as announcer: And now.... Cheap Laugh Theater presents.... 'Diarrhea of a Madman'

(SFX: Monty Python diarrhea mixed with Ronald laughing dementedly)

Steve and Phinny: SHUT UP! (SFX ends abruptly)

(Fanfare music)

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen that was 'The Bad Scientist'!

(Wild applause from audience that goes on for a full minute)

Steve, Phinny and Ronald: Thank you, thank you, thank you, no thank you... thank YOU ... thank you... (throughout)



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