Click to go to Home Page
-= A Latent Einstein Outreach Ministry by Phineas Narco of the Church of the Subgenius =-

Listen Live! >>Here<< Thurs. and Sun. at 10pm Eastern U.S. Time



Donate Button


Follow Us On:

NCN at Bandcamp NCN at Mixcloud
NCN at Facebook NCN at Twitter
NCN at NCN at Youtube

This was written as a spoof news piece back in July of 1998, after Phineas attended X-Day, the first of yearly gatherings in expectation for 'X-ist' aliens to pick us up and spirit us away to Planet X. This is a kind of alternate reality story to the even (the X-ists didn't show up, needless to say) and is in the style of 'The Drudge Report' as it looked at the time.


Drudge Sludge

By Matt Sludge

Tue Jul 07 1998 01:30:26 UTC


**World Exclusive**

Sherman, NY- In what has been termed the most bizarre religious event since the People's Temple mass suicide, hundreds of cultists are said to have "vanished" Sunday from the Brushwood Folklore Center campgrounds in rural New York State.

Members of "The Church of the Subgenius" had reportedly been preparing for an event called "X-Day" for almost 20 years.

The group of Subgenius cultists who called themselves "Subgeniuses" allegedly worshipped a strange pipe-smoking smiling man named J.R. Dobbs also known as "Bob". Pictures of "Bob" littered the campsite but "Bob" could not be reached for comment, officials said.

According to the information now available, "X-Day" involved church members being liberated or "ruptured" from the earth by aliens who were then scheduled to destroy the planet and eradicate all non-church members or "normals".

Officials, however remain skeptical and are still not sure if the disappearance is some kind of elaborate joke or hoax to publicize the church. Since the mass disappearance, the Subgenius website has been receiving visitors at a rate even higher than the Heaven's Gate website at the height of that mass suicide coverage.

Family members of those missing are now being contacted by officials using registry information kept at The Brushwood Folklore Center to locate their whereabouts. Many members of those families have been found to be missing as well.

Donald Jungers, 63 was an attendee at a Starwood pagan event happening simultaneously on the campgrounds:

"At precisely 7am I was in the hot tub and heard them counting down over in the pavilion. They were making a lot of noise, a whole big crowd of 'em. Then there was silence. I went over, and weren't no one there. Gave me the creeps. I think the Goddess took'em.".

Other pagans claim to have seen UFO's and a giant 'X' in the skies above Brushwood approximately 20 minutes before the disappearance allegedly occured.

Another pagan festival-goer was drummer Jason Stoddard, 27,who claims:

"Some of our group disappeared too, man. We can't find 'em. All the women with the nicest tits are gone. Gone! Even that hot chick who was walking around with nothing but a leather jacket on. And I don't know why SHE'D want to go with those GEEKS!".

Only one church member who called himself "Jannor Hypercleets" could be located anywhere at the time of this report. "Jannor",who is now being questioned by authorities, claims that he was not "taken up" because he was the only Subgenius asleep at the time of the"rupture".

"I don't understand it," said "Jannor," a disheveled 39 year old resident of Little Rock Arkansas, who seemed disoriented and confused in the wake of whatever happened:

"I just figured it was just going to be some dumb joke of Stang's and I didn't want to mess up my sleeping schedule, so I just crashed around 5am. How was I to know it was real? They never told me."

The "head" of the Church, "Ivan Stang", who officials have now learned is really Dallas based "minister" Doug Smith, was also present at the event. Dallas police are now pouring through Smith's home, looking for clues

Smith is the second cult leader to come out of Texas in recent years whose followers have met an untimely end, the first being David Koresh who's Davidian followers met a fiery death in Waco, TX on April 19th, 1993.

At the New York site, evidence of drug paraphernalia has been found along with pornography but, none of it has so far led to any solid leads. An inordinate amount of crusted semen was found on the inside of one tent reportedly having belonged to someone named "Stern O. Docks" and his wife during the event.

"God only knows what they were doing in there," an official said.

DNA analysis is now being carried out on the semen with results pending.

"Jannor Hypercleets", arrayed in a multi-colored coat and oversized sunglasses yesterday addressed reporters in a press conference:

"I mean, I helped build this church. I've been in this since the beginning and they just leave me behind? I mean, I'm sick of it. I didn't even get a Stark Fist. I keep getting shut out of these things and being ripped off, how come I don't get to go?"

"This is bullshit," added "Hypercleets".

Hypercleets continued his tirade before press reporters, yelling for help, claiming that his legs were on fire, and stating he was the head of a church allegedly called "The First Church of Cute Young Girls Who Are Slaves to Jannor Hypercleets' Cock".

A team of psychiatrists are currently examining the disheveled and confused Arkansas resident.

"All we can tell you is that he is very disheveled, and very very confused," an official said.

"Doug is an asshole," claimed Hypercleets

Meanwhile, the Brushwood Disappearance remains a mystery. FBI sources state that reports are now being made that many other individuals, who may have allegedly had ties to the church are missing.

While exact numbers are hard to come by, the total number of Church members is said to be "in the thousands".

When asked where he thinks the other Church members went, "Jannor", the only remaining member, said:

"Well, it's weird, the other night I overheard Doug telling Legume something about how the Xists were going to transport everyone to the saucers 'in the twinkling of "Bob"'s eye' was how he put it. They would be put into a giant holodeck that exactly replicated earth in 1998. They would think that it had all been some elaborate joke and that they had never been taken up but actually they were just in this giant virtual reality system on board the X-ist saucers. The holodeck would gradually change into a Planet X paradise, over a certain amount of time, on their way to the actual planet. He called it the 'divine acclimation' or something. I just thought he was stoned on 'frop or talking about a Star Trek episode, but I guess he was telling the truth".

* * * * *

In what may be a related story, officials have reported the outbreak of a mysterious fatal disease in the same region as the disappearance.

Symptoms of the disease include a slow combustion of the victim's flesh similar to flesh-eating bacteria which proves excruciatingly painful and fatal with 12 hours.

219 people have died thus far from the outbreak in the New York area since Sunday. All of them have been young urban professionals.

In a bizarre twist, the only common factor among those dead seems to be that they each owned at least one Lexus. The phone lines of the Dept. of Motor Vehicles in New York State have been clogged with frantic callers seeking to give up their Lexus vehicle ownership.

The Centers For Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, GA have already utilized emergency quarantine procedures for the town of Sherman and the outlying areas in an effort to contain the plague which is reportedly 'spreading like wildfire'.

"We are dealing with hundreds of cases since Sunday," said Peter Piot, spokesman for the CDC. "We haven't even been able to name the virus, if that's what it is, much less isolate it. We are simply calling it "Factor X" at this time."

Officials could not be reached for comment.

ThoughtConduit v19.9.2B