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Following quickly on the heels of what critics have called 'irrational behavior' on the Oprah Winfrey Show (pictured left) and despite no claims to the contrary, Tom Cruise, a 'HETERO-sexual celebrity', released a 'pre-emptive' statement Monday that he is 'not gay'.

Pictures of Cruise on Oprah

London - Following quickly on the heels of what critics have called 'irrational behavior' on the Oprah Winfrey Show (pictured left) and despite no claims to the contrary, Tom Cruise, a 'HETERO-sexual celebrity', released a 'pre-emptive' statement Monday that he is 'not gay'.

"I will never be down with love. Ever. I'm the guy who loves relationships. Heterosexual relationships," said Cruse in his inimitably demonstrable tone.

"I love women, and let me be clear, women.... with vaginas," the 43-year-old, star, who has never had sex with another man, was quoted as saying in Tuesday's edition of the Daily Mirror tabloid.

"I'm the guy who's going to get married again, dammit. And I mean, to a woman. I'm not going to give up on that. I really love that kind of friendship and intimacy and of course... poon," said Cruise, who split from his girlfriend, the actress Penelope Cruz, in March of 2004.

"Make no mistake about it. I am in love. LOVE I SAY!! With...a female... WOMAN!... and we are in love... heterosexually... in love".

Cruise then pointed out, for the fifth time, that he chose a female, rather than a male as his mate.

Third Marriage

Cruise's first two marriages, which were both to women, he points out, (namely to actresses Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman) ended in divorce.

Cruise's long-standing religion, Scientology, boasts making it's members adept in relationship functionality.

"She, and I emphasize the pronoun, SHE..." said Cruise, pausing for effect and referring to his new girlfriend Katie Holmes, "...has a great sense of humor and doesn't mind having a little adventure in her life,"

Cruise stated again, that he likes riding motorcycles, flying airplanes and normal vaginal intercourse".

"The relationships I've had, which have NOT, NOT been GAY relationships... you got that?... I've found very fulfilling," he said. "I've learned and I've grown from them and I have no regrets. It's a great time in my life to be alive." Cruise then paused in the interview making sure the interviewer understood he had said 'great' not 'gay'.

In his last film, "Collateral," released in Britain last year, Cruise played a contract killer who hijacks a taxi in Los Angeles and forces the driver to drive him to his victims.

"The killer was right butch," said Cruise, "and not and definitely NOT a poofter".

To demonstrate his straightness, Cruise then took out an old copy of Hustler and masturbated to it to completion.

"See! SEE? SEE??!!" said Cruise repeatedly afterwards, jumping up and down and pumping his fists in manic enthusiasm.

"I'm the GOD! I'M THE GOD!!!!!" screamed Cruise at the last few remaining reporters.

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