This is a script for a commercial spoof that never got produced. I am not sure that it would have worked. But it's one of the most read pieces on the NCN site. It's an insane parody of Stove-Top Stuffing commercials which were omnipresent at the time.
Man: "Mmmm something smells good. Stove top stuffing INSTEAD of potatoes?"
Woman: "Of course, dear"
Man: Mmmm. I love you.
Woman: I love you too.
(Happy, upbeat music, like from 50's sitcom)
Announcer: (Steve) Yes, choosy mothers CHOOSE stove top stuffing over potatoes. Only irresponsible evil mothers allow their children to eat yucky old potatoes. Why, they probably allow their children to eat paint chips too and play in their own filth.
(Music: Dramatic, dread-filled music)
German man (thick accent): If you don't eat Stove top stuffing instead of potatoes you could choke on the potatoes pitch over onto the kitchen floor in the grip of a massive coronary thrombosis!
...people will laugh at you...
(sfx: derisive laughter)
...you'll lose your job...
(SFX: door slamming shut) ...your children will be sold into prostitution...
...and you will die in a puddle of your own urine in a bad welfare hospital listening to the drone of anonymous cars on a nearby interstate...
(SFX: Pathetic dying moan, hospital ambience, distant traffic)
(Music becomes more intense)
THEN your decaying corpse will be put into the ground under an ashen sky, there will be no one to weep for you and maggots will eat your EYES!
Happy announcer (Steve): OR! you could buy Stove top stuffing
...The perfect side dish for your on-the-go hungry lifestyle. Great with chicken, turkey, beef, ham, pork, blood pudding, sausage, asparagus, green tea, licorice, gum, salt, eat it! eat it all up and spread it all over your face!.
(SFX: Mushing sounds)
(segues into sexy music)
...spread it on the pert, heaving breasts of this 18 year old supermodel and lick it off.... with tongue!
(SFX: Sounds of ravenous licking... woman sighing in ecstasy)
Hot chick: (Giggle) Ooooh. Stove top stuffing makes me hot!
(Triumphant marching music)
(Authoritarian voice in reverb like at Nuremburg rally): Potatoes equal death! Stove Top Stuffing equals sex, success and freedom! We must supplant the inferior potato order with Stove Top Stuffing! This is my last territorial demand!
(SFX: Sound of crowd cheering, boots marching)
(Announcer fanatically yelling): We will extermnate the inferior potato eaters that exist as parasites on our great MotherLand! Stove top stuffing or Death! Stove top stuffing or Death! Sex or death! Sex or death! Mashed Potatoes or Stove Top Stuffing!
(Crowd cheers, is cut off with lingering reverb)
Announcer: Stove top stuffing: A delicious, nutritious part of any meal... (fades)
Ad exec: I don't know it's kind of a hard sell isn't it?
Other ad exec: Yeah.
Ad exec: I mean it's just stove top stuffing.
OAE: Right right...
Ad exec: Want to go get some?
(pause) OAE: Mmmm. Okay
(SFX: sounds of leaving quickly and closing door)