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-= A Latent Einstein Outreach Ministry by Phineas Narco of the Church of the Subgenius =-



 

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This is a darkly humorous essay which has actually been used in therapeutic settings. Phineas Narco's own guide to being completely depressed and miserable in 13 easy steps! This program really works!! (Video Link included)

1. Isolate yourself. Pull down the shades and don't let any light into your room. Unplug your phone. Take off all your clothes and just stay inside, and don't talk to anyone. Lay on the floor of your closet, and weep softly to yourself. Don't shave your face for 3 or 4 days, then stare in the mirror at your own deadened, bloated, pasty, bleary-eyed expression.

2. Fixate on negative things. Television is a good source for this. Watch TV news programs all the time. Tape the most disturbing ones, and watch them again and again. Fixate on 'mistakes' you've made in the past, or which you might make in the future. Dwell on painful childhood memories and the inevitability of death in the future. Cultivate a sense of self-hatred. Start a collection of bleak and depressing news clippings and read them obsessively. Feel guilty for doing this. Feel bad for feeling guilty. Repeat the words 'I am a horrible person' as your own personal mantra.

3. Develop a sense of meaninglessness. Take up wall-staring as a hobby. Cultivate a thousand-yard stare into the middle distance as you walk along empty streets amidst anonymous passersby. Take a bath, and then spend an hour or two staring at the bathtub drain as you listen to the sound of your own breathing echoing off the stained tiles. Pound your head rhythmically against the cold white refrigerator door as you moan plaintively and ask 'Why, why, why, why?. Sit in bed, head in hand, and rock back and forth. Watch 'Pink Floyd--The Wall' obsessively or listen to 'The Downward Spiral' by Nine Inch Nails. Or better yet, do both at once.

4. Alienate others. Ask questions but don't listen to the answers. Become absorbed in your own petty, inner little world. If someone says something to you always respond with 'what?' as you come out of your inner depressing depressing fantasies momentarily. Act rude and insensitively, and then blame the consequences on other people or better yet, take it as evidence of your own lack of worth. Or both! Randomly cross clearly drawn personal boundaries, then beat yourself up for doing so. Then, beat yourself up for beating yourself up. And then, beat yourself up for that. Lose your temper unpredictably, or weep uncontrollably in order to manipulate others. Hate yourself for doing this.

5. Sleep all the time. Get a good 20 hours a day of sleep so that you simply will not have to deal with a painful life, and only have to deal with the world of dreams and fantasies. Remember, your bed is your friend, and will always sustain and comfort you, unlike the cruel outside world. Do not change your sheets for as long as you can, or better yet, don't use them. Wake up every morning, face in a puddle of drool, and think 'Oh no, more of this shit?' as your first thought of the day.

6. Avoid all physical activity. Lack of physical exercise is essential. Again, staying in bed is good for this. Try to stay on your back at all times. Lying on the floor is acceptable. Get a good fetal position going. Whine pathetically to yourself. Watch more violent television programming. Keep the TV remote control by the bed at all times, so you won't have to get up and look for it. Spend hours not moving. Fantasize about being a disembodied head with no body to maintain. Creep yourself out and then chastise yourself for being creepy. Think of yourself as a creep. Listen to Radiohead. Again.

7. Eat poorly. In a 24 hour period, eat only a half spoonful of peanut butter, some jelly, and some water. Spend the rest of the time sleeping. Eat all your meals at fast food places, ordering the unhealthiest, most caloric thing on the menu. Eat hot dogs from 7-11 for all your meals. Avoid salads. Drink as little water as possible, it will only cause you to have to get out of bed to urinate. Starch, fat, sugar, and salt are your friends.

8. Whenever possible, cultivate a sense of fear in your life. Be sure to obsessively imagine the most violent and disturbing outcome to any situation you imagine, or find yourself in. Routinely imagine escape routes in case an armed maniac starts shooting at you. Freak yourself out! Contact all your friends and tell them you are freaking out, and then feel guilty, and unworthy of the concerned attention they give you. Be hard on yourself! And encourage others to be hard as well.

9. Think about death a lot. Rent 'Faces of Death' videos and watch the most crazy-making movies and television programming you can find. Browse rotten.com. Watch more violent television programming. Try to look at life as a violent and painful experience at the end of which is just a meaningless and probably excruciatingly painful death. Make up deals with God, if He will only let you sleep away softly into oblivion in your sleep. Talk about suicide and disturbing things in order to alienate others. Wear black and only go out at night.

10. Always pick the hardest way to do something. Set yourself up for failure. Pursue perfection and never allow yourself to be satisfied by anything. Accept no responsibility or accept all of it. If it looks like you are going to actually succeed at something, be sure to somehow sabotage your own efforts and change course or stop at the last minute. Use your inevitable failure as further proof to yourself that you are a worthless loser. Repeat the words "I'm so stupid" to yourself over and over and over while banging your forehead against your unvacuumed carpet.

11. Lose all sense of personal hygiene. Don't bathe until a gray cheese-like substance forms on your skin. Shave once a week, and then only without using shaving cream or aftershave. Throw your deodorant away. Remember, if you make yourself physically attractive, it will only attract people who will then see what a horrible person you are. Use other people's avoidance of you as evidence of your own worthlessness. Make yourself afraid that other people will be able to tell that you're paranoid. Avoid eye contact with others. Be creepy.

12. Concentrate on your faults. Look in the mirror closely. Focus on every bump, zit, wrinkle, splotch, mole, or nick that you have on your face. Look at how skinny you are, or how fat, or how average. If anything is less than perfect, be sure to focus all your attention on it, and think about it constantly. Think obsessively about all your imperfections, and every stupid thing you do or have ever done. Enlist the help of others, and then feel unworthy of it. Drive yourself into a nervous breakdown again and again.

13. Quit your job, stay home and jack off. Masturbate obsessively as a momentary reprieve from your own inner hell, and feel guilty for doing so. Be sure to think all manner disturbing thoughts and then use this as proof that you are worthless and deranged. Stop taking any care of your personal surroundings. Spend plenty of time in your messy and slovenly environment. Sabotage your own best efforts and remember always, You Are A Bad Person. Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad!

Hear are some testimonials from people who have used my plan for personal pain and misery.

"I have tried your 13 step program and have found much success with it. Previous to your program, I was a smiley faced, well balanced, enlightened, self actualized individual. Now I look more like that guy in Edward Munch's "The Scream"

-=-Steve Sprunt: Shreveport, Louisiana

"Oh God, just let me die. Please. God. I just want to die. Please!"

-=-Judy Stenslow: Farland, New Jersey


"THANKS! I was slipping, but with your handy guidelines I should be able to stay more miserable, even longer! Your step-by-step guide has helped me lose all my friends and self esteem. Utter darkness, here I come!!"

-=-Beverly Trake: Portland, Oregon


"Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"


-=-David Steinblatt, San Jose, California


(Hysterical sobbing... sound of gunshot)

-=-Warren Serbia: Tobokan, Arkansas

 

 



The video for this is here.

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